Vulnerable Moment

I love having this blog, because it serves as both an outlet for me to encourage and maybe teach…but it also allows me to show how human I am and to pray that my story and weakness can bring you hope in your life.  I feel it necessary to share one of the lowest points of my life on here, both to vent it out and let it go…but to also show you all that you can overcome your low points as well.  I hope to shed some light of how God speaks in those low times, and how you can still hear Him even when you don’t want to. 

This Wednesday night, my friend Mel sent me a verse saying “God has really put it on my heart to send you this verse right now.”   

Revelation 3:8  I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.  I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

I took this to heart, praying for God to open my eyes and show me what this verse is pointing to in my life.  I had asked some very wise people what it means to them or what they feel I would need to hear about it. 

Thursday came about, and after work that day, I had gone to the bank to check my account, waiting to see if an important check had cashed and if I had enough in my checking to actually keep the check from bouncing.  In my frustrations in my bank account and myself, I had realized that I goofed again with irresponsibility and my whole being went rampant.  I am thankful that the Spirit of the LORD never leaves us today, but I really felt like He did with how much hatred filled my heart.  I sat at Duos to be around people, and I couldn’t stay there for more than 5 minutes because of anger and hatred that I had for myself and others around me.    We all struggle with lies, and I have pushed lies aside and had hopes for God to pull through on so many things…but Thursday I was done waiting.  I was done going through and seeing nothing happening.  I was done not being able to supply, to live, to see changes, to provide what I promised other people around me.  I stayed in my apartment alone Thursday, hysteric.  I was crying, kicking around, screaming to God “I am done doing your way!  I see nothing happening!  I see nothing!  I am sick of waiting, and I don’t see how you are even trying to do anything with this!”  I wanted to hurt myself.  I really wanted to hurt myself, to hurt God.  My heart was sick…I tried to make myself puke, I reached for knives a few times but never grabbed them…I curled in a ball on the floor and just screamed silently through sobs.  But no physical harm happened to me…I couldn’t do anything to myself.  I felt the urge to hurt myself…but I felt held back.  I couldn’t reach for anything, I couldn’t do anything, because the arms of God were holding me back.  I had fear and some common sense in me to say “I would regret this later.”    God kept me safe.  He says He will.  God never let me go.  He never left me Thursday night. 

For the rest of the week, I really struggled with finding joy in Christ like I did before.  I was hardened to God.  My passion was gone, and love for His Word was gone.  Yes, sometimes it is tough, and we in nature are rebellious and independent.  Folks, we don’t want to be told what to do.  We don’t naturally want to submit every waking moment.  I acknowledge that I am very stubborn and very rebellious to God.  It is by my sinful nature that I am that way.  I wanted to make my own way, but I knew my way would fail.  I know God’s way is perfect, even if it’s not happening now.  

However, there are promises in God’s Word that I couldn’t let go of.  My heart was so sick and apathetic to my beautiful Savior, but I still heard promises of deliverance and promises that I had seen happen.   I remembered that it is part of God’s character to fulfill what He calls to happen.  I tried to find time to spend with God.  I slowly saw glimpses of good times with God again, but rebelled the next minute.  This morning, I was challenged to stay part of the worship service and I prayed for God to give me joy again.  While I sang and tried to praise God, I felt God’s Presence fill me again.  

Tonight, a big thing that we shared about was trust.  Trusting God fully.  Trusting His timing.   Trusting His promises.  Trusting His Divine Plan over our little snippets of instant wants.   Trusting Him because of Who He is.  My Psalm of choice was Psalm 30 this week, and please read it for yourselves.   

Little snippets of this Psalm however:

O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. 

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. 

Oh LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.  

God hears every care you have, and He will deliver you.  God instructs us to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  This week, I didn’t have any heart…so I had to see how to love God with my mind.  

And I know God acts like this.   My Sovereign God has the ability to change hearts, and changing a heart does not mean He is changing His mind.  Saul was converted to Paul in time.  Saul was forever going to be God’s chosen instrument, but when it would happen was going to be an act of God alone.  It’s the same for you, and I pray knowing it can happen…that’s my hope.  You may not know what you are called to be, but I promise you that God will call you to be that and no one can hinder that, not even yourself.  So stop trying.  =)  (easier said than done)  

Again, Revelation 3:8  I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.  I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

When times get tough, and your heart just isn’t in it, do you still persevere to God because you know His promises are true?  You know His holiness is real?  I am SO thankful for people around me who challenged me to look to God as He is, not what He does.  It was so easy to be caught in a moment, but my week could have looked a little different if I was trying to persevere toward something I couldn’t feel anymore.  Wisdom is beautiful, and God really showed me how.  

Hope in the LORD.  Pray as if He will answer your prayers.  Seek discernment on whether or not this door before you is locked by God, or held open by God.   I know I am…but I hope in the LORD.  I hope in God to make this desire in my heart happen.  I trust God to not let my heart fall into the depths of the pits.  I trust that no man can shut this door before me, and I need God to REALLY keep me sane when some rebel against their calls that could be keeping me waiting.  

Pray for myself and for others around you, for we are all fighting some sort of battle, and what is happening to us is nothing new.  We aren’t alone.  We can help each other, and pray for each other. 

I love you all.  Keep hoping.