What if you were called to face your biggest fear? What if you had been hiding from it all this time? Afraid to expose yourself? Afraid to fail people? Afraid of others seeing your current weakness? What if you couldn't run anymore? What if you couldn't hide anymore? What if God exposed everything to those you dearly loved? What if the wounds you brushed off weren't being brushed off anymore? What if you actually realize that you were relying on yourself...entertaining the world...trying to be what other people made you to be?
What if you felt God taking you down a road that you were afraid to go, unaware of what you would face...but trusting He has your hand the whole way?
This blog post is different from my other posts...those posts talked about my past struggles...they were written after the fact...to show I am stronger now.
Well, I am not stronger. I am not put together. I am weak, vulnerable, and not willing to show the world my weakness. I am talking it out here, to do myself a favor...to do you all a favor. I am going to try to let go...not just say it...but really let go.
Let go of the fear of failure. Let go of the fear of loss of control. Let go of the fear of not being good enough. Let go of the idea that I have to be everything that I am not. It will always be a struggle...but I realize that I have run and hidden when adversity comes.
I didn't want people to see my weakest moments. I didn't allow the Church to really help me. My prayer group was there, and I would verbalize a few things...but I didn't want people to see my ugliest moments...and I hated the ugliest moments.
But truly I see now...that God has something bigger in mind for me in this...I can't figure it out fully now...but it's not my call to know that.
God pointed me toward Duos, and I prayed that God would abolish any method of me getting this job...if I wasn't supposed to be here. He kept all the doors open...and here I am.
But also, here my weaknesses are exposed, and an attitude that I have hidden for so long has finally been exposed to people that I truly love. I have lost joy in the Word. I have lost joy in Duos, I lost joy in myself....I have lost joy in God.
I expect so much from myself....but what does God expect from me?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" (Prov. 3:5-6)
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be
afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you
wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength
is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast
in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2
Corinthians 12:9)
God never left me. When I've wanted to give up and hate myself in the privacy of my apartment, God was always there keeping me safe. When I'm exposed to my closest friends to share in my struggle and do what the Church does and encourage me....build me up...be used in a mighty way for God to do a MIRACULOUS change in my heart...God is there...holding me close to Him in a warm embrace, wiping my tears...hearing my cries...and He tells me "I have overcome."
He reminds me that HE will crush Satan under my feet, and HE has crushed the bondage of Sin...HE has created me in HIS image...HE has saved me. HE has established my paths. HE has control. HE uses everything for HIS good.
...it's not about you, Kat...it's about Me. (Jesus)
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength
is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast
in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2
Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)
I don't boast in my infirmities. I don't speak of my weakness...I don't truly speak of my weakness the way I should. I speak of my weakness to appear stronger, to show that I am not struggling...to show what I was and what I'm not anymore.
But if I do speak of my weakness, it's not the best way to do it. I don't do it to show how God has used me beyond myself...I do it to put myself down. I believe speaking of my weakness and putting myself down are two separate things. Putting myself down is bashing God's perfect design. Boasting in my weakness is acknowledging the beauty of who God made me or didn't make me, and giving Him the glory beyond anything I could ever do.
"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God." (Ephesians 2:8)
I believe when God needs to really change me, He hits me hard. God is taking the control from me, but also exposing my weakness when I want to stay strong. He is showing me that it is not by my power, nor my glory. Right now I am in the process of a pruning that I wish no one would see...but that is why I am going through it...because people need to see it and help me...I have to let people help me, and press on. I need to remember who is on my side, and that He has already won. I have to give myself grace...I see God's grace, and I see everyone else's grace...but I don't give myself grace because I have to meet my expectations of who I want me to be.
....see the problem here? I do now...
The following song is my current prayer...the power of this song has been amplified because of what God is bringing me through right now. Right now in my life, this song holds a powerful prayer...So glad to hear that God gives me life! It comes back to the Gospel...and power of the Gospel keeps us going...and this is motivation enough for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFdQqoWggmU
Psalm 139 says I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." Who am I to challenge the Creator?
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their
labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity
anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down
together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11
Thank God for showing me I am not alone, and I don't have to be alone. I see I have friends all around me to be used...
The struggle continues, and the fight presses on, but the battle has been won...and the Victor is on my side!!
Praise God for His working hand in all things...including my imperfection and Sin. The prince of darkness has no chance in foiling God's plans...in fact....what he does is in turn used to glorify God. There is no war that hasn't been won by God. The battle belongs to the Lord. I get the opportunity to be part of it...but it's not about me, and I can't do everything I want to do.
So now, my question God...what do you want me to do? Instead of me trying to be everything...what do you want me to be? Who is Kat...and what is Kat supposed to do?
