I have told numerous people that my life is an open book, and that I would be willing to share anything you wanted to know about my life. My mentality in being so open is because God is the author of my life, and His purpose for me is to glorify Him...so if He is writing my story, the purpose of that story is to glorify Him, so why shouldn't I share it? This post may serve as a venting journal entry...but I hope as you read it that God would show you some encouragement and love for your own lives. Tonight, my heart had been extremely hardened, and a process for me to soften it is to pour it out for public eyes. I could go to bed sobbing tonight and "alone" or I could fight against it. So, as part of my open book, let me dig deep into Katherine Elizabeth Bell for you all.
Katherine Elizabeth Bell is beautiful.
But...she is also strong, and stubborn. Kat really wants to be good enough. Kat wants to succeed with everything she does. She doesn't want to wait to be better...she wants to be good now. She doesn't want to hassle people with waiting for her...she wants the end product now so others aren't held up by her. She wants to show everyone how good she is and how put together she is, and how strong she is. Secretly, Kat wants to be able to do everything and anything instantly with little preparation. She wants to be the best wife, mother, daughter, musician, leader, fill in the blank. If Kat pursues it, she wants to be the best at it.
Because of this, Kat wants to be needed. If she isn't good enough, it means someone else is better, and that person will replace Kat. Kat wants to see her use. She wants to see the fruit being produced through her. Kat wants to share in the action of God's story, the adventure!
But Kat has another problem...
Kat lets her insecurity in her own abilities keep her from adventures. If Kat doubts herself, she won't attempt...or it is very hard to encourage her to do so. Kat doesn't want to fail. Kat doesn't want to fail on account of others. If Kat hurts herself, she could care less. If Kat's mistakes only affected her and were only known by her, it wouldn't make a huge difference. However, if other lives were involved, Kat's stress automatically could sky-rocket. She doesn't want people to really see that she isn't strong enough. She struggles with being vulnerable. She doesn't want people to see her cry, hear her sob...but she does. See, as a woman, Kat can get very messed up...she can cry and sob and hope no one finds her, but at the same time she does. She hopes someone will run to her and love on her. She wants to be so strong, but so weak at the exact same time. It's times like these when Kat's heart is pulled on the most. It's times like this when Kat is crying to God for deliverance.
At those times, she feels all of her chains, and it's so hard for her to move. That's when no one else can pull her up but God. It's at those moments when Kat is reminded that no matter how strong of a woman she is, she can't be strong on her own. God had to pull her up, not by her own strength alone. God has to whisper truths to Kat...Kat couldn't hear concrete truths with all the lies and heartache in her own heart without God's gentle voice reminding her.
Kat also has another problem...marriage...no, she isn't married...but she so badly wants to be. The desire on her heart is unbearable, especially on certain days in her life. The life of a woman is complicated, but Kat really wants to just have a man pursue her. Deep down, in all her struggles, it's all caused by not having a physical man pursuing her. Kat wants to find a man who will think she is the best wife. The best mother for his kids. The best comforter, the best for him, period.
These chains weigh so heavy on Kat, but she's strong enough to withstand them and push them aside. Some days though, she's on the floor curled up in agony because these things in her life aren't met the way she's expecting. This is when God really reminds her of who He is to her.
Every day, God has many opportunities to take Kat's breath away. God pursues Kat and fights for her heart constantly. His heart breaks when Kat doesn't see those miracles. God becomes jealous when other things take His place for Kat. God hurts when Kat doesn't think she is capable of the things He has given her to do...but He really hurts when she doesn't trust Him with the things she can't do. God truly wants Kat to prosper and be blessed...God has a man in mind for Kat, not to fill the needs of her heart, but to help encourage her and remind her how captivating she is to God. Kat constantly has to be reminded that no man is going to take away her agony. No man is going to fill every need in her heart. No mere man is going to make her feel the best she can be. God is still working on her man, and her man will be like Jesus...her man needs to pursue her like Jesus pursues her. Her man, when he realizes his calling, needs to fight for Kat's heart like God does every day. That's when Kat will know and see the man God is preparing for her. Kat's heart will not settle for a coward. Kat's heart will not settle for a man who isn't sure of himself. Kat's heart will not settle for a man who will sit idle or stationary, or for a man that won't go out of his way to get her. Her man will be secure in knowing that she is his, and he is hers...and that God has established that unity. When he knows, he won't argue. He will obey.
Kat is a fighter...and she doesn't like to be tied down spiritually and emotionally. God is making Kat so strong, but only through God can Kat have the strength to do what He calls her to do. Kat needs to trust that she won't crumble or fall. It's hard for her, because she wants to make it work.
Kat is precious and honored in God's sight. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she can laugh at the days to come. She sets about her work vigorously, and strives to accomplish the tasks set before her.
She is a precious child of God, and the bride of the coming King. Through her story...may the death and resurrection of Jesus be evident. When people see her story, may they see God's continuous work. May they see the change that the resurrection had on her life. May they be encouraged by her lack of strength and great multitude of God's. Despite all the lies and chains she fights with, this is truly the desire she desires.
What's your story?
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Matt. 11- Showing the Father
I wanted to share with you all a couple pieces of encouragement I saw today while reading in Matthew with a few amazing girls. In chapter 11, Jesus is approached by John the Baptist's messengers. John wanted to know if Jesus was the one to come (verses 2 & 3)
Jesus didn't reply with "Yes" or "No," but in fact his reply would cause John to think about what He knew of Christ and that the miracles being performed were of the Messiah. God doesn't always give us blunt answers...in fact when we ask Him to clarify, many times He responds in this manner. He reminds us of who He is and what He does, and that itself provides all the answers we need. Don't be discouraged if you are still waiting for "Yes" or "No".....maybe "No, not yet." If you aren't hearing those, read your Bible and hear God speak other truths to you that may answer your questions more than you intentionally wanted. You will feel more blessed this way.
Also, later in this chapter, Jesus going into a "rebuking rant" (I like to say) about those who reject him. He then continues after this rant by saying "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children....All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."
Woof. So, after speaking out about those who won't accept the Christ, Jesus then says how it's God's pleasure for the educated to not see what has been hidden from them. He denounces these places that have seen his miracles and not responded to them, and then prays to the Father a prayer of praise for keeping these things from the complex-minded and revealing them to those that haven't cluttered their minds with such "knowledge." Maybe it's time to de-clutter my mind so that I may be like a child, able to see God's miracles today.
I really love the transition between the end of that passage into the last three verses of the chapter:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (verses 28-30)
I never made this connection before, because I'd looked at these three verses alone from the rest of the passage...but here is what I feel Jesus is doing...
"I want to show you the Father, and only I can show you the Father. Here He is."
NUMEROUS times in Psalms there are phrases like "The Lord is our help and shield" (33) "The Lord is the stronghold of my life" (27) He is our hiding place (32)
Only a short few examples from Psalms...and this is what Jesus is showing the people he has chosen to reveal this to about the Father. "Come to me, I will give you rest." Like a shelter, a place of security. God is our security...our only security that will sustain everything this world has to throw at us.
Jesus wants to show you more of the Father. Feel blessed with what He shows you, because only Jesus can show us the Father, and only the Father and Jesus can decide who sees what. It's a gift from God, not by anything we can do (Eph. 2:8). Praise Him for it, and ask Him to show you more.
Jesus didn't reply with "Yes" or "No," but in fact his reply would cause John to think about what He knew of Christ and that the miracles being performed were of the Messiah. God doesn't always give us blunt answers...in fact when we ask Him to clarify, many times He responds in this manner. He reminds us of who He is and what He does, and that itself provides all the answers we need. Don't be discouraged if you are still waiting for "Yes" or "No".....maybe "No, not yet." If you aren't hearing those, read your Bible and hear God speak other truths to you that may answer your questions more than you intentionally wanted. You will feel more blessed this way.
Also, later in this chapter, Jesus going into a "rebuking rant" (I like to say) about those who reject him. He then continues after this rant by saying "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children....All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."
Woof. So, after speaking out about those who won't accept the Christ, Jesus then says how it's God's pleasure for the educated to not see what has been hidden from them. He denounces these places that have seen his miracles and not responded to them, and then prays to the Father a prayer of praise for keeping these things from the complex-minded and revealing them to those that haven't cluttered their minds with such "knowledge." Maybe it's time to de-clutter my mind so that I may be like a child, able to see God's miracles today.
I really love the transition between the end of that passage into the last three verses of the chapter:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (verses 28-30)
I never made this connection before, because I'd looked at these three verses alone from the rest of the passage...but here is what I feel Jesus is doing...
"I want to show you the Father, and only I can show you the Father. Here He is."
NUMEROUS times in Psalms there are phrases like "The Lord is our help and shield" (33) "The Lord is the stronghold of my life" (27) He is our hiding place (32)
Only a short few examples from Psalms...and this is what Jesus is showing the people he has chosen to reveal this to about the Father. "Come to me, I will give you rest." Like a shelter, a place of security. God is our security...our only security that will sustain everything this world has to throw at us.
Jesus wants to show you more of the Father. Feel blessed with what He shows you, because only Jesus can show us the Father, and only the Father and Jesus can decide who sees what. It's a gift from God, not by anything we can do (Eph. 2:8). Praise Him for it, and ask Him to show you more.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Act on Your Divine Burdens
This post will be shorter with a challenge for all my readers.
What's tugging your heart? What has God put on your heart right now to do today? Who is He putting on your heart to love on? What do you see that hurts your heart...or better yet...God's heart? Do you feel you need to do something about it? Don't keep asking "What can little me do to this big problem?" But rather, come to God asking "What little things can I do now?" Some of us are called to change the world on a large scale, but most of us are called to make "small" changes that cause a ripple effect in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes we see this huge problem and feel inadequate to make even a dent for God. If we all thought this way, no dents would ever be made. However, as a Body, if we all acted together as a unit, we can make a HUGE dent. God can work wonders through us if we just allow ourselves to give in and act on the burdens He has given us.
So, my friends, I say this mostly to myself, but also for everyone else out there. Get out of your comfort zones. God showed me tonight, on my ocean, a storm all around me...except I was unharmed in the eye of the storm. I saw Jesus standing out a ways from me, in the crazy chaos of nature. He was calling me to get out of my little tube of protection and march through the storm to him. Get out of the eye of the storm. Stop watching the chaos around you. You each see something different, and your hearts tug differently. I urge you all to step out of your tube of protection and let Jesus use you in the storms around you.
I am praying for our country, and our world. There is a lot of injustice out there. There are lots of problems with us individually and as a nation. It makes God hurt, and our hearts feel that through the burdens He grants us. Join me. I urge you, as my brothers and sisters in Christ, to actively join me in your prayer life and daily activities to pursue a change in our country. We need it.
I love you all.
What's tugging your heart? What has God put on your heart right now to do today? Who is He putting on your heart to love on? What do you see that hurts your heart...or better yet...God's heart? Do you feel you need to do something about it? Don't keep asking "What can little me do to this big problem?" But rather, come to God asking "What little things can I do now?" Some of us are called to change the world on a large scale, but most of us are called to make "small" changes that cause a ripple effect in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes we see this huge problem and feel inadequate to make even a dent for God. If we all thought this way, no dents would ever be made. However, as a Body, if we all acted together as a unit, we can make a HUGE dent. God can work wonders through us if we just allow ourselves to give in and act on the burdens He has given us.
So, my friends, I say this mostly to myself, but also for everyone else out there. Get out of your comfort zones. God showed me tonight, on my ocean, a storm all around me...except I was unharmed in the eye of the storm. I saw Jesus standing out a ways from me, in the crazy chaos of nature. He was calling me to get out of my little tube of protection and march through the storm to him. Get out of the eye of the storm. Stop watching the chaos around you. You each see something different, and your hearts tug differently. I urge you all to step out of your tube of protection and let Jesus use you in the storms around you.
I am praying for our country, and our world. There is a lot of injustice out there. There are lots of problems with us individually and as a nation. It makes God hurt, and our hearts feel that through the burdens He grants us. Join me. I urge you, as my brothers and sisters in Christ, to actively join me in your prayer life and daily activities to pursue a change in our country. We need it.
I love you all.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Decision, Not Feeling
God spoke to me again tonight.
Today was just a trying day for me...my body wasn't cooperating (ladies, you can attest to this often), my throat and lungs were full of snot, I was exhausted...and I just felt like nothing was working like it did last week or before that. I had worship practice tonight, and I couldn't sing and praise like I really enjoyed because of this respiratory cold. I am pretty bummed...trying not to throw a pity-party...but sometimes it just happens before I realize what I'm doing (ps...I hate giving personal pity parties...I can do something better with my time and energy).
In a devotional, the following line stuck to me, "Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision." The devotional was about the lies of marriage, which was rather interesting to me. I read this and God spoke to me in another area of my life that required commitment. The lady referenced our favorite love chapter, I Cor. 13. She reflected on how love in marriage isn't based on feelings. Sometimes things get rough, and each spouse has a choice to make. There are 3 lies that creep into a marriage, and the lady in my devotional tried to counter them with 3 truths. The two sets are as follows:
Lies
• I married the wrong person.
• He should make me feel loved.
• There is someone else better out there.
Truths
• Having a good marriage is more about being the right partner than having the right partner.
• Love is a decision.
• The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water and fertilize it.
The main point is that we should not be basing our situation on feelings alone. Our feelings will deceive us. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
I can't understand my own feelings and their source...Yes, I know God still shows me visions, and I still hear whispers in my heart throughout the day. I still talk with Him and sit in quietness and allow His Spirit to fill me. Yes, I know that happens. But...
"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
Psalm 33:4
God's Words to me are spoken best in His Word...the Bible. I try to challenge everything that happens in my heart with the Bible. I try to think more critically about what's in the Bible and how it's being written. I try to know God by knowing how He spoke and acted back long ago. He still speaks like this today. His Word is relevant today.
Back to feelings, I am learning to take more chances based on what I know, not what I feel. Making a decision...and sticking to it despite my wicked and wayward heart. Then you find that fine line of being stubborn when God is trying to lead you somewhere else...again, challenge everything with His word and really dwell on God with everything...I still believe that God will tell us what to do through our desires...but again...fine line, and I can't tell you all when it's right to listen to your heart and when it's not. That's your personal growth and discovering with God. I am still working on this...slowly getting better.
So, tonight I made a choice. I chose to go hard-core into finding housing and maybe another job in Waverly. I searched all over, wrote down numbers, opened myself to any possibility I could find and went for it. My anxiety shot up really fast. Tears swelled as I thought about my unknown and unplanned future. My faith seemed so weak, but I ran to God to comfort me fast.
He caught me tonight...I like to play "Bible Roulette" as a friend likes to say. I calm myself, and let my fingers flip the Bible open without knowing where I'm opening to so my heart isn't leading to a passage that I know will confirm what I want to do. I read what's on those two pages, and let God surprise me.
"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago....You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat..."
Isaiah 25:1 & 4 (I seem to always open in Isaiah somewhere when I do this...and it ALWAYS speaks to me)
Can I say anything else? Those were God's Words to me...that I needed to tell Him. So, I will.
Today was just a trying day for me...my body wasn't cooperating (ladies, you can attest to this often), my throat and lungs were full of snot, I was exhausted...and I just felt like nothing was working like it did last week or before that. I had worship practice tonight, and I couldn't sing and praise like I really enjoyed because of this respiratory cold. I am pretty bummed...trying not to throw a pity-party...but sometimes it just happens before I realize what I'm doing (ps...I hate giving personal pity parties...I can do something better with my time and energy).
In a devotional, the following line stuck to me, "Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision." The devotional was about the lies of marriage, which was rather interesting to me. I read this and God spoke to me in another area of my life that required commitment. The lady referenced our favorite love chapter, I Cor. 13. She reflected on how love in marriage isn't based on feelings. Sometimes things get rough, and each spouse has a choice to make. There are 3 lies that creep into a marriage, and the lady in my devotional tried to counter them with 3 truths. The two sets are as follows:
Lies
• I married the wrong person.
• He should make me feel loved.
• There is someone else better out there.
Truths
• Having a good marriage is more about being the right partner than having the right partner.
• Love is a decision.
• The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water and fertilize it.
The main point is that we should not be basing our situation on feelings alone. Our feelings will deceive us. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
I can't understand my own feelings and their source...Yes, I know God still shows me visions, and I still hear whispers in my heart throughout the day. I still talk with Him and sit in quietness and allow His Spirit to fill me. Yes, I know that happens. But...
"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
Psalm 33:4
God's Words to me are spoken best in His Word...the Bible. I try to challenge everything that happens in my heart with the Bible. I try to think more critically about what's in the Bible and how it's being written. I try to know God by knowing how He spoke and acted back long ago. He still speaks like this today. His Word is relevant today.
Back to feelings, I am learning to take more chances based on what I know, not what I feel. Making a decision...and sticking to it despite my wicked and wayward heart. Then you find that fine line of being stubborn when God is trying to lead you somewhere else...again, challenge everything with His word and really dwell on God with everything...I still believe that God will tell us what to do through our desires...but again...fine line, and I can't tell you all when it's right to listen to your heart and when it's not. That's your personal growth and discovering with God. I am still working on this...slowly getting better.
So, tonight I made a choice. I chose to go hard-core into finding housing and maybe another job in Waverly. I searched all over, wrote down numbers, opened myself to any possibility I could find and went for it. My anxiety shot up really fast. Tears swelled as I thought about my unknown and unplanned future. My faith seemed so weak, but I ran to God to comfort me fast.
He caught me tonight...I like to play "Bible Roulette" as a friend likes to say. I calm myself, and let my fingers flip the Bible open without knowing where I'm opening to so my heart isn't leading to a passage that I know will confirm what I want to do. I read what's on those two pages, and let God surprise me.
"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago....You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat..."
Isaiah 25:1 & 4 (I seem to always open in Isaiah somewhere when I do this...and it ALWAYS speaks to me)
Can I say anything else? Those were God's Words to me...that I needed to tell Him. So, I will.
Dear Heavenly Father, you are my God. I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. God, I need to feel your security. I am poor, I am in distress. I need your shelter. I believe you are faithful in all that you do. I have read of your many marvelous deeds, and seen how your prophesies have fulfilled. I ask LORD that you show those again in this age. That you remind me of your faithfulness. That I will choose to be faithful, and not wait for my wicked heart to catch up when I need to act now. Most of all, I ask for your Peace. Your peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that I can remain calm in the chaos. That I will act accordingly to your will, and not my rash and impatient impulses. Fulfill your promises oh LORD...would you prove yourself again?
In your Holy and Powerful Name, Amen
Sunday, April 8, 2012
O Happy Day!
This song screamed from my heart this morning. Happy Easter!! I am blaring it as many times as I can before I go to church. =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo8rcwe0Zm4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo8rcwe0Zm4
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Passion Mime Reflection
For the past few months, I've been part of a mime called "The Great Saga." It's an Easter passion mime based on the life and purpose of Jesus' life down here on earth. This year, my director focused a lot on how God Reigns...and this year He surely did.
We have had numerous distractions ranging from personal injuries, emotional burdens, and family crisis. NOTHING got in the way. God reigned in the performances and He used our bodies despite the distractions. That's only a glimpse of how good our God is...that's nothing compared to what He actually endured for us. We tried to show it.
Isaiah 53:5 says "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Many times we feel that Jesus died for us...well, He did die to save us...but Jesus died because His Father wanted Him too. Yes, Jesus loves us, but John 17 shows where Jesus heart really was. Where Jesus needed to look in order to withstand the cross and our sins. Jesus is our bridegroom...but this is the fine line of the Trinity that we won't ever grasp. Because God and Jesus are one, He loves us just as much as God the Father does...but His focus was not fully on that. God loved us, and sent His son to save us. The Son obeyed the Father's commands, but His purpose was not to love us...that was the Father's desires. It's hard...my mind and heart are at peace, with this, but that doesn't mean I fully understand it. It just means I've submitted to letting that piece of the puzzle go. Either way, I am GREATLY loved!
In the mime, I played a bad dude. Simple right? I was pretty stoked. I was good last year, and the scene that always struck me hard was when I played the adulterous woman. It hit home...it showed that my past didn't define me. That Jesus reached out to those people. He did not come to heal the healthy, but the sick. (Matt. 9:12)
This year, there were three roles that God really took me and dropped me into hardcore, both emotionally and physically. At the beginning, I played a girl who was insecure about herself (sound familiar? pretty common). I have struggled with this...how many girls don't at some point? It's tough to deal with and get over. Thankfully, I have been stronger and more pleased in the woman God has made me to be...and I try to give Him the credit so I don't sink into vanity. I still have my moments, but others around me are quick to rebuke me. Thanks guys. I know I'm beautiful.
Either way, Wednesday night, I got a dream that crushed me...but also made this character come alive more inside me. I dreamed that something I was promised was taken away and given to someone else...to the girl who was in the beginning scene with me. At first, I was haunted by this. Then a good friend reminded me that I was feeling jealousy, and this jealousy is a glimpse of how God feels when we stray to other idols. Knowing this, I took that and asked God to make this dream, this fear, a reality for His glory. And He did. The last two scenes happened, and God put me back in my dream. I was that girl who wasn't as pretty, as attractive...because I "didn't get who I wanted," this other girl before me did. And I hurt. I hurt more than I did before. And it worked for God's glory.
As a bad dude, I played a demon and a guard. I have to tell you..I don't feel that I am a very mean person...or manipulative person. It was HARD to find what this was like...but by last night's show, I have never felt so much hate and disgust in my heart. As an angel who rebelled, I heard whispers in my heart like "you were banished...you will never be in my glory again." And I was pissed. I would watch the creation scene, and when Adam and Eve were created, I heard "They are my beloved...not you." And that did it. I wanted them dead. I wanted to destroy God's unity with man. And when the Fall of Humanity happened, I did just that. I was a demon, and I hated both the humanity characters...pure hatred. It scared me at first, but now I have a better understanding of what those demons are like around us...how they lurk for us to make a mistake...to give them a foothold, then they dive and attack all over us...and push us around and tell us how worthless and weak we are for giving in. I understand this better now...
This same reaction happened with Jesus. For the garden scene, when Jesus is praying His last prayer, He reaches up and asks God for strength. My hatred and determination to make Jesus crumble was overwhelming, but when He overcame us, I was more pissed. When I turn from demon to guard, I am thinking "This is the way you want to be? You're going to get it." And I wanted Him to SUFFER. As a guard, my heart felt no compassion, no love, no mercy. I wanted to kill Jesus so bad...I have never felt such hatred inside me. It was tough to grasp, but when I got it I wanted more. I wanted to show more. This feeling didn't stay. I love my Savior. I really do...and last night I reflected in more depth what all Jesus did, and the role I played in His crucifixion...and I cried. I cried and sobbed last night when I got alone. I hurt...because I felt a portion of what it was like to kill the beautiful Son of God.
Thankfully, He didn't stay dead. That's what this season is all about! How our Jesus conquered death! How Satan's grasp on us is broken! But...He didn't do it right away. He didn't die on the cross and instantly rise.
Jesus waited three days. Remember how he foretold all these things to His disciples? Sometimes Jesus does that with us too...He makes promises...some specific and some not so specific, but He promises to fulfill them in His timing. Three days may have seemed like an eternity for the disciples....but Jesus kept His promise.
It may take longer than three days, but if God reveals a promise to you, you can believe He will make it happen! Praise God for His fulfilled promise of raising from the dead! If you are still in the waiting period, in the mourning period, just you wait and see. It's going to be glorious when God fulfills His promises to you. Even when all hope is gone...God will be glorified. If Jesus can raise himself from the dead...he will fulfill your needs and his promises to you. There is nothing our God can't do!
As we sit in the waiting period, praise Him for the works that He will fulfill, and the one that He already has...our eternal salvation.
We have had numerous distractions ranging from personal injuries, emotional burdens, and family crisis. NOTHING got in the way. God reigned in the performances and He used our bodies despite the distractions. That's only a glimpse of how good our God is...that's nothing compared to what He actually endured for us. We tried to show it.
Isaiah 53:5 says "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Many times we feel that Jesus died for us...well, He did die to save us...but Jesus died because His Father wanted Him too. Yes, Jesus loves us, but John 17 shows where Jesus heart really was. Where Jesus needed to look in order to withstand the cross and our sins. Jesus is our bridegroom...but this is the fine line of the Trinity that we won't ever grasp. Because God and Jesus are one, He loves us just as much as God the Father does...but His focus was not fully on that. God loved us, and sent His son to save us. The Son obeyed the Father's commands, but His purpose was not to love us...that was the Father's desires. It's hard...my mind and heart are at peace, with this, but that doesn't mean I fully understand it. It just means I've submitted to letting that piece of the puzzle go. Either way, I am GREATLY loved!
In the mime, I played a bad dude. Simple right? I was pretty stoked. I was good last year, and the scene that always struck me hard was when I played the adulterous woman. It hit home...it showed that my past didn't define me. That Jesus reached out to those people. He did not come to heal the healthy, but the sick. (Matt. 9:12)
This year, there were three roles that God really took me and dropped me into hardcore, both emotionally and physically. At the beginning, I played a girl who was insecure about herself (sound familiar? pretty common). I have struggled with this...how many girls don't at some point? It's tough to deal with and get over. Thankfully, I have been stronger and more pleased in the woman God has made me to be...and I try to give Him the credit so I don't sink into vanity. I still have my moments, but others around me are quick to rebuke me. Thanks guys. I know I'm beautiful.
Either way, Wednesday night, I got a dream that crushed me...but also made this character come alive more inside me. I dreamed that something I was promised was taken away and given to someone else...to the girl who was in the beginning scene with me. At first, I was haunted by this. Then a good friend reminded me that I was feeling jealousy, and this jealousy is a glimpse of how God feels when we stray to other idols. Knowing this, I took that and asked God to make this dream, this fear, a reality for His glory. And He did. The last two scenes happened, and God put me back in my dream. I was that girl who wasn't as pretty, as attractive...because I "didn't get who I wanted," this other girl before me did. And I hurt. I hurt more than I did before. And it worked for God's glory.
As a bad dude, I played a demon and a guard. I have to tell you..I don't feel that I am a very mean person...or manipulative person. It was HARD to find what this was like...but by last night's show, I have never felt so much hate and disgust in my heart. As an angel who rebelled, I heard whispers in my heart like "you were banished...you will never be in my glory again." And I was pissed. I would watch the creation scene, and when Adam and Eve were created, I heard "They are my beloved...not you." And that did it. I wanted them dead. I wanted to destroy God's unity with man. And when the Fall of Humanity happened, I did just that. I was a demon, and I hated both the humanity characters...pure hatred. It scared me at first, but now I have a better understanding of what those demons are like around us...how they lurk for us to make a mistake...to give them a foothold, then they dive and attack all over us...and push us around and tell us how worthless and weak we are for giving in. I understand this better now...
This same reaction happened with Jesus. For the garden scene, when Jesus is praying His last prayer, He reaches up and asks God for strength. My hatred and determination to make Jesus crumble was overwhelming, but when He overcame us, I was more pissed. When I turn from demon to guard, I am thinking "This is the way you want to be? You're going to get it." And I wanted Him to SUFFER. As a guard, my heart felt no compassion, no love, no mercy. I wanted to kill Jesus so bad...I have never felt such hatred inside me. It was tough to grasp, but when I got it I wanted more. I wanted to show more. This feeling didn't stay. I love my Savior. I really do...and last night I reflected in more depth what all Jesus did, and the role I played in His crucifixion...and I cried. I cried and sobbed last night when I got alone. I hurt...because I felt a portion of what it was like to kill the beautiful Son of God.
Thankfully, He didn't stay dead. That's what this season is all about! How our Jesus conquered death! How Satan's grasp on us is broken! But...He didn't do it right away. He didn't die on the cross and instantly rise.
Jesus waited three days. Remember how he foretold all these things to His disciples? Sometimes Jesus does that with us too...He makes promises...some specific and some not so specific, but He promises to fulfill them in His timing. Three days may have seemed like an eternity for the disciples....but Jesus kept His promise.
It may take longer than three days, but if God reveals a promise to you, you can believe He will make it happen! Praise God for His fulfilled promise of raising from the dead! If you are still in the waiting period, in the mourning period, just you wait and see. It's going to be glorious when God fulfills His promises to you. Even when all hope is gone...God will be glorified. If Jesus can raise himself from the dead...he will fulfill your needs and his promises to you. There is nothing our God can't do!
As we sit in the waiting period, praise Him for the works that He will fulfill, and the one that He already has...our eternal salvation.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wrapped in His Arms
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her."
Author: Unknown
When my future husband finds me, this is how I want him to find me...wrapped in His arms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M24Wb6aBuhs
"Wrapped In Your Arms"
Is this the whole picture
Or is it just the start?
Is this the way you love me?
You're capturing my heart
I used to try and walk alone
But I've begun to grow
And when you tell me just to rest
I'm finally letting go
I let go
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm seeing so much clearer
Looking through your eyes
I could never find a safer place
Even if I tried
All the times I've needed you
You've never left my side
I'm clinging to your every word
Don't ever let me go
Don't let go
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm home...(ohoh ohoh ohoh ohoh)
I'm wrapped in your arms.
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms
And I'm here to stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know, I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms.... I'm home
I'm home
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Transformed, not Conformed
Yesterday, I was trying to blog, but I couldn't. My mind was so cluttered that I couldn't focus. I had a hard heart all day, and I was trying to find out why. I think I do now...I feel God revealed it to me...I remember saying a phrase last night that brought me complete peace...except the anxiety I created within myself because of fear of that statement. I thought about it and prayed about it.
Today, God told me to run outside. So I ran. He told me to run to one of my spots to sit and listen to Him...so I ran to the bridge on Bremer. As I sat and listened, I stood on the waters alone again. I stood there, asking God to reveal himself. Asking for wisdom. Asking for God to tell me what He wanted to tell me.
Jesus appeared, and split the waters between us. He told me to jump. So, I jumped. Jesus split a bigger gap between us, and said the same thing. I prepared a running start, and jumped...barely making it that time. Again, Jesus split a bigger gap and said, "Jump." I couldn't do it on my own...but I prepared myself, and took a flying leap toward Jesus...and I "soared on wings like eagles." (Isaiah 40)
God calls us to take risks, and sometimes He may not reveal Himself until after we take that plunge of trust. We don't know what He is doing, but in His time He will reveal it to us. (I John 3:2) It's our job to answer Him and obey Him WHEN He calls...not later. (Matthew 8:21-22) He is always knocking to get our attention (Revelation 3:20) He wants to renew our minds and hearts so we can have hope in the unseen...not what is seen. After this transformation, then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will. (2 Corinthians 4:18 & Romans 12:1-2) This is my biggest lesson right now...my mind is being renewed and transformed. God is showing me what it looks like to be a living sacrifice. He is getting rid of more clutter in my heart.
In an inspirational handout a friend gave us tonight in prayer group, I was taken by a few quotes that popped out: "Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks....expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away."
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11
Today, God told me to run outside. So I ran. He told me to run to one of my spots to sit and listen to Him...so I ran to the bridge on Bremer. As I sat and listened, I stood on the waters alone again. I stood there, asking God to reveal himself. Asking for wisdom. Asking for God to tell me what He wanted to tell me.
Jesus appeared, and split the waters between us. He told me to jump. So, I jumped. Jesus split a bigger gap between us, and said the same thing. I prepared a running start, and jumped...barely making it that time. Again, Jesus split a bigger gap and said, "Jump." I couldn't do it on my own...but I prepared myself, and took a flying leap toward Jesus...and I "soared on wings like eagles." (Isaiah 40)
God calls us to take risks, and sometimes He may not reveal Himself until after we take that plunge of trust. We don't know what He is doing, but in His time He will reveal it to us. (I John 3:2) It's our job to answer Him and obey Him WHEN He calls...not later. (Matthew 8:21-22) He is always knocking to get our attention (Revelation 3:20) He wants to renew our minds and hearts so we can have hope in the unseen...not what is seen. After this transformation, then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will. (2 Corinthians 4:18 & Romans 12:1-2) This is my biggest lesson right now...my mind is being renewed and transformed. God is showing me what it looks like to be a living sacrifice. He is getting rid of more clutter in my heart.
In an inspirational handout a friend gave us tonight in prayer group, I was taken by a few quotes that popped out: "Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks....expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away."
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11
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