I have told numerous people that my life is an open book, and that I would be willing to share anything you wanted to know about my life. My mentality in being so open is because God is the author of my life, and His purpose for me is to glorify Him...so if He is writing my story, the purpose of that story is to glorify Him, so why shouldn't I share it? This post may serve as a venting journal entry...but I hope as you read it that God would show you some encouragement and love for your own lives. Tonight, my heart had been extremely hardened, and a process for me to soften it is to pour it out for public eyes. I could go to bed sobbing tonight and "alone" or I could fight against it. So, as part of my open book, let me dig deep into Katherine Elizabeth Bell for you all.
Katherine Elizabeth Bell is beautiful.
But...she is also strong, and stubborn. Kat really wants to be good enough. Kat wants to succeed with everything she does. She doesn't want to wait to be better...she wants to be good now. She doesn't want to hassle people with waiting for her...she wants the end product now so others aren't held up by her. She wants to show everyone how good she is and how put together she is, and how strong she is. Secretly, Kat wants to be able to do everything and anything instantly with little preparation. She wants to be the best wife, mother, daughter, musician, leader, fill in the blank. If Kat pursues it, she wants to be the best at it.
Because of this, Kat wants to be needed. If she isn't good enough, it means someone else is better, and that person will replace Kat. Kat wants to see her use. She wants to see the fruit being produced through her. Kat wants to share in the action of God's story, the adventure!
But Kat has another problem...
Kat lets her insecurity in her own abilities keep her from adventures. If Kat doubts herself, she won't attempt...or it is very hard to encourage her to do so. Kat doesn't want to fail. Kat doesn't want to fail on account of others. If Kat hurts herself, she could care less. If Kat's mistakes only affected her and were only known by her, it wouldn't make a huge difference. However, if other lives were involved, Kat's stress automatically could sky-rocket. She doesn't want people to really see that she isn't strong enough. She struggles with being vulnerable. She doesn't want people to see her cry, hear her sob...but she does. See, as a woman, Kat can get very messed up...she can cry and sob and hope no one finds her, but at the same time she does. She hopes someone will run to her and love on her. She wants to be so strong, but so weak at the exact same time. It's times like these when Kat's heart is pulled on the most. It's times like this when Kat is crying to God for deliverance.
At those times, she feels all of her chains, and it's so hard for her to move. That's when no one else can pull her up but God. It's at those moments when Kat is reminded that no matter how strong of a woman she is, she can't be strong on her own. God had to pull her up, not by her own strength alone. God has to whisper truths to Kat...Kat couldn't hear concrete truths with all the lies and heartache in her own heart without God's gentle voice reminding her.
Kat also has another problem...marriage...no, she isn't married...but she so badly wants to be. The desire on her heart is unbearable, especially on certain days in her life. The life of a woman is complicated, but Kat really wants to just have a man pursue her. Deep down, in all her struggles, it's all caused by not having a physical man pursuing her. Kat wants to find a man who will think she is the best wife. The best mother for his kids. The best comforter, the best for him, period.
These chains weigh so heavy on Kat, but she's strong enough to withstand them and push them aside. Some days though, she's on the floor curled up in agony because these things in her life aren't met the way she's expecting. This is when God really reminds her of who He is to her.
Every day, God has many opportunities to take Kat's breath away. God pursues Kat and fights for her heart constantly. His heart breaks when Kat doesn't see those miracles. God becomes jealous when other things take His place for Kat. God hurts when Kat doesn't think she is capable of the things He has given her to do...but He really hurts when she doesn't trust Him with the things she can't do. God truly wants Kat to prosper and be blessed...God has a man in mind for Kat, not to fill the needs of her heart, but to help encourage her and remind her how captivating she is to God. Kat constantly has to be reminded that no man is going to take away her agony. No man is going to fill every need in her heart. No mere man is going to make her feel the best she can be. God is still working on her man, and her man will be like Jesus...her man needs to pursue her like Jesus pursues her. Her man, when he realizes his calling, needs to fight for Kat's heart like God does every day. That's when Kat will know and see the man God is preparing for her. Kat's heart will not settle for a coward. Kat's heart will not settle for a man who isn't sure of himself. Kat's heart will not settle for a man who will sit idle or stationary, or for a man that won't go out of his way to get her. Her man will be secure in knowing that she is his, and he is hers...and that God has established that unity. When he knows, he won't argue. He will obey.
Kat is a fighter...and she doesn't like to be tied down spiritually and emotionally. God is making Kat so strong, but only through God can Kat have the strength to do what He calls her to do. Kat needs to trust that she won't crumble or fall. It's hard for her, because she wants to make it work.
Kat is precious and honored in God's sight. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she can laugh at the days to come. She sets about her work vigorously, and strives to accomplish the tasks set before her.
She is a precious child of God, and the bride of the coming King. Through her story...may the death and resurrection of Jesus be evident. When people see her story, may they see God's continuous work. May they see the change that the resurrection had on her life. May they be encouraged by her lack of strength and great multitude of God's. Despite all the lies and chains she fights with, this is truly the desire she desires.
What's your story?
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