I have a confession to make...I am a person that needs constant affirmation. Whether that's from God or people around me, I need to hear (in private mostly) that I'm doing well. I need to hear that I am being used. I need to see fruit. I need to be reminded over and over again that I am where I need to be. If I don't, I question if I'm actually being used and making a difference for the Kingdom. Because of this, I feel confused and distressed easily. I am spiritually weighed down often, and also easily overtaken with inner pride.
So why I am sharing this now? Because up to now, I've been a "feeler" believer. I am led with my heart. I am led with my passion. I desire to "feel" the Holy Spirit. I desire to see, hear, feel...sense the Spirit. Is this wrong? Is this a problem? Of course not! In fact God made me to be run like this. He made me to get excited in His works! I made me and delights in my excitement. Through the different things I "feel" around me, I am affirmed.
My being has been challenged however...a HUGE weakness of mine deals with my mental capacity on most things. I don't "know" much, and I admit that if you ask me "Have you seen (fill in blank)" or "Have you heard about (fill in blank)" I could probably tell you...No. And let me tell you...I HATE feeling inadequate. I HATE not seeing God's glory. I HATE not "feeling" good enough or smart enough. I really HATE not feeling the direct presence/peace of God right away.
Now, I can encourage through scripture and I can equip the Sword of the Spirit...but I can't teach, mainly because I don't trust I know enough to lead correctly. When I hear sermons, or read in Bible studies, my heart takes over before my mind. Before I 'think' about what I'm reading, my heart interprets...and I've seen the problem in this.
My heart had shown me an interpretation of two amazing Bible characters, Ruth and Boaz. However, after seeking out advice from my pastor, I noticed how my heart was actually leading me astray...or hindering the actual implication of the story. When I was encouraged to use my mind and let my heart rest, I saw how my interpretation actually didn't fit what the characters were really doing. What an eye-opener!
I also had a great conversation with a close friend about this book called "Think" by John Piper. He told me "I feel this is a book you would really wrestle with." (not direct quote...but general idea) I was challenged by that statement alone...basically hearing (and affirming) that my heart has taken over numerous times in my studies.
So, my prayers and direction in the next part of my growth will be to work on letting my heart rest more and allow my mind to really think about what God is saying during my readings. Don't get me wrong...I can't put a bind on my heart...in fact tonight affirmed to me that my heart is truly the wellspring of life, and you can't keep me silent when the Spirit moves.
So, through my confessions, I ask that you all seek growth both mentally and passionately. Desire to feel His Presence, but don't let your heart and feelings interpret Scripture beyond what God is actually trying to say. You don't live as a Christian without one or the other. Through knowledge, you will know God more. Through submission in your lives and asking, you can also feel God. It's real...it happens.
Ephesians 1:17-18 Paul prays for both wisdom and open hearts for those in Ephesus...we need both. Ask for both.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
My Lent Challenge
Ash Wednesday and Lent was nothing I'd ever grown up with and taken part of, but in the past few years it has really been an amazing concept for me. Fasting and preparing ourselves for the Easter season...in last years I'd always done the "fasting" part by giving up something like: pop, candy, junk food, TV...this year is different.
I felt God putting on my heart to do two things this Lent season:
Give up, and Soak in. (The soaking in was introduced by a good friend of mine whom was challenged to read and blog about scripture every day. By blogging, he was kept accountable)
My giving up is fast food. I am going to keep my physical body as healthy as I can, and keep myself from spending that extra money so it can be used for uplifting purposes.
My soaking in is through worship. Every day, I'm giving myself at least 1 hour of personal worship time. During this time, I hope to draw closer to God by praising Him and offering thanks to Him, as well as lifting up my doubts and concerns. I will keep myself accountable by introducing at least one newer song to my heart.
I ask those that read this to pray for me through this. Last night after (and during youth group) I was greatly attacked with doubts of my gifts and abilities that God has given me. When the Holy Spirit revealed the devil's strategies to me, my fire burned again even hotter. Ask me which songs God put on my heart to learn.
Ask Jesus to show me the Father more and more during this hour. Test me, because in doing this will I be encouraged to keep fighting.
I love you all, and would encourage you to take part in this challenge during the Lent season as well. Hopefully, that 40-day challenge may turn into a lifestyle change for you that brings you closer to our Father in Heaven.
Keep fighting the good fight. We aren't meant to fight it alone. We need each other through Christ.
I felt God putting on my heart to do two things this Lent season:
Give up, and Soak in. (The soaking in was introduced by a good friend of mine whom was challenged to read and blog about scripture every day. By blogging, he was kept accountable)
My giving up is fast food. I am going to keep my physical body as healthy as I can, and keep myself from spending that extra money so it can be used for uplifting purposes.
My soaking in is through worship. Every day, I'm giving myself at least 1 hour of personal worship time. During this time, I hope to draw closer to God by praising Him and offering thanks to Him, as well as lifting up my doubts and concerns. I will keep myself accountable by introducing at least one newer song to my heart.
I ask those that read this to pray for me through this. Last night after (and during youth group) I was greatly attacked with doubts of my gifts and abilities that God has given me. When the Holy Spirit revealed the devil's strategies to me, my fire burned again even hotter. Ask me which songs God put on my heart to learn.
Ask Jesus to show me the Father more and more during this hour. Test me, because in doing this will I be encouraged to keep fighting.
I love you all, and would encourage you to take part in this challenge during the Lent season as well. Hopefully, that 40-day challenge may turn into a lifestyle change for you that brings you closer to our Father in Heaven.
Keep fighting the good fight. We aren't meant to fight it alone. We need each other through Christ.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Time to Quit?
In Acts 18, I want to point out one thing and ask a question:
Verses 5-8
Paul was preaching the good news, and the Jews were unresponsive to the message...so Paul quits on them. "Your blood be on your own heads!" It's frustrating where you feel you are giving and giving and giving, and you don't seem to see anything! Paul wanted to witness to the Jews because he really cared about their salvation. He wanted to see these people find Jesus. Was him giving up on them an act of weakness? Anger? Sin?
Something we can take from this (and we've seen it in past chapters of Acts) is that only God can change hearts and lead people to His good news. We are only tools. Paul was only an instrument in God's plan. He was effective...but only by the grace and power of the Holy Spirit could he accomplish what he did thus far.
So, was Paul's giving up wrong? I don't think so. It was an acknowledgement that he couldn't do it. If people aren't responding, don't waist your time. It's a tough lesson, and may seem hard, but if they aren't going to meet God (or even meet you in the middle) then don't waist your time if God calls it to be used somewhere else. God led Paul to Crispus and his whole household believed in Christ. God may lead you away from someone to touch another. Don't be discouraged. If anything, continue to pray for the lost soul. Only God can change hearts.
In the midst of this, remember to always be slow to anger, slow to wrath, and quick to love. (Also see Proverbs 17:27) Just because you stop pursuing doesn't mean you've stopped loving them. (Proverbs 17:17)
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11
Later, it says "...be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (verses 14-18...emphasis added)
It's not easy, but through Christ, you can do all things. Trust and believe. Move on from those that aren't responsive to God's Good News, but don't stop loving them. Satan so wants to weigh you down with that failure and chain...don't let him. God is greater, and there is more to life than to be weighed down by something that wasn't meant to be part of God's perfect will. "Be joyful always."
God bless my friends. Keep fighting, and pray for me as well because I struggle with this.
Verses 5-8
Paul was preaching the good news, and the Jews were unresponsive to the message...so Paul quits on them. "Your blood be on your own heads!" It's frustrating where you feel you are giving and giving and giving, and you don't seem to see anything! Paul wanted to witness to the Jews because he really cared about their salvation. He wanted to see these people find Jesus. Was him giving up on them an act of weakness? Anger? Sin?
Something we can take from this (and we've seen it in past chapters of Acts) is that only God can change hearts and lead people to His good news. We are only tools. Paul was only an instrument in God's plan. He was effective...but only by the grace and power of the Holy Spirit could he accomplish what he did thus far.
So, was Paul's giving up wrong? I don't think so. It was an acknowledgement that he couldn't do it. If people aren't responding, don't waist your time. It's a tough lesson, and may seem hard, but if they aren't going to meet God (or even meet you in the middle) then don't waist your time if God calls it to be used somewhere else. God led Paul to Crispus and his whole household believed in Christ. God may lead you away from someone to touch another. Don't be discouraged. If anything, continue to pray for the lost soul. Only God can change hearts.
In the midst of this, remember to always be slow to anger, slow to wrath, and quick to love. (Also see Proverbs 17:27) Just because you stop pursuing doesn't mean you've stopped loving them. (Proverbs 17:17)
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." I Thessalonians 5:11
Later, it says "...be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (verses 14-18...emphasis added)
It's not easy, but through Christ, you can do all things. Trust and believe. Move on from those that aren't responsive to God's Good News, but don't stop loving them. Satan so wants to weigh you down with that failure and chain...don't let him. God is greater, and there is more to life than to be weighed down by something that wasn't meant to be part of God's perfect will. "Be joyful always."
God bless my friends. Keep fighting, and pray for me as well because I struggle with this.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Here I Wait
Warning: Sap love post (I guess it fits Valentine's Day coming up...wow...didn't plan that out)
In a video game called Final Fantasy 8, there are two characters that are in love. Rinoa, the main female character, tells Squall, her lover "I will be here, I will be waiting here. I will be waiting for you, so...if you come here, you will find me...I promise"
At first, I thought this quote was just really cute...I plastered this up because I loved these two characters...Squall is your typical stubborn boy and gradually softens to the angel that Rinoa is in his life.
However, I read this quote now with another focus...my Jesus loves me....like...LOVES me. He has me safe in his arms. He is my first and primary lover. He holds my heart dear to himself. I am resting in his arms, and want to stay there. If a man is to come find me, he has to find me through Jesus. Tonight, I sat at the piano and sang my heart out. This song came out of my mouth. It's short, but I sang this over and over and over again. I had more lines added to it, but it was very improv and I can't remember word for word what it was...
My single friends, let your hearts sing the joy of being safe with Jesus today...
Girls, you are protected and safe in His arms. If he comes to Jesus, he will find you...I promise.
Guys, pursue Jesus above all things. Look to him. Don't look at the women in your life and pick and choose...look to Jesus. Let him show you the girl. Don't let your eyes be led astray...let Jesus guide your paths and eventually show you a woman that he's kept safe for you. If you come to Jesus, you will find her...I promise.
So my lover, if you are reading this or not...the point is, Jesus holds me. I sing this song in my heart with full contentment that I am safe with Jesus, and with a full hope that you are still out there. I love my Savior, and he protects me and keeps me from trouble. He will lead you to me by leading you to him first. That's the only way you will find me...so, if you come to Jesus, you will find me. I promise....
Here I Wait
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
Here I wait
Here I wait
Here I wait...for you.
If you come here, you will find me.
If you come here, you will find me.
Darling, if you come here, you will find me.
In the arms of Jesus, you will find me.
If you come to Jesus, you will find me.
I promise....
In a video game called Final Fantasy 8, there are two characters that are in love. Rinoa, the main female character, tells Squall, her lover "I will be here, I will be waiting here. I will be waiting for you, so...if you come here, you will find me...I promise"
At first, I thought this quote was just really cute...I plastered this up because I loved these two characters...Squall is your typical stubborn boy and gradually softens to the angel that Rinoa is in his life.
However, I read this quote now with another focus...my Jesus loves me....like...LOVES me. He has me safe in his arms. He is my first and primary lover. He holds my heart dear to himself. I am resting in his arms, and want to stay there. If a man is to come find me, he has to find me through Jesus. Tonight, I sat at the piano and sang my heart out. This song came out of my mouth. It's short, but I sang this over and over and over again. I had more lines added to it, but it was very improv and I can't remember word for word what it was...
My single friends, let your hearts sing the joy of being safe with Jesus today...
Girls, you are protected and safe in His arms. If he comes to Jesus, he will find you...I promise.
Guys, pursue Jesus above all things. Look to him. Don't look at the women in your life and pick and choose...look to Jesus. Let him show you the girl. Don't let your eyes be led astray...let Jesus guide your paths and eventually show you a woman that he's kept safe for you. If you come to Jesus, you will find her...I promise.
So my lover, if you are reading this or not...the point is, Jesus holds me. I sing this song in my heart with full contentment that I am safe with Jesus, and with a full hope that you are still out there. I love my Savior, and he protects me and keeps me from trouble. He will lead you to me by leading you to him first. That's the only way you will find me...so, if you come to Jesus, you will find me. I promise....
Here I Wait
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
I will wait upon the Lord Jesus
Here I wait
Here I wait
Here I wait...for you.
If you come here, you will find me.
If you come here, you will find me.
Darling, if you come here, you will find me.
In the arms of Jesus, you will find me.
If you come to Jesus, you will find me.
I promise....
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Oh...How He Loves...
Tonight, I want to share a few awesome things that have been happening to me recently. I understand some may read this and say "Yeah, she's totally day-dreaming" or "She just made herself believe this." Honestly, I didn't. I can't explain how I know...but I know that everything that happened was put into my heart. You ever have those moments where you sit and go "Where did that idea come from?" This is like that, except I know where it all came from.
I felt led to reveal personally what Jesus has been doing for me...I am writing straight from my journal entries the past few days, but I'm not writing everything...only some key points. I hope this is encouraging to you all, to find yourself in this place of intimacy with your loving Savior and Heavenly Father, who wants to rule in your hearts today.
1-31-12
Tonight in prayer meeting, I asked God to show us what He sees in us. I asked my Daddy to let me see a glimpse of what His heart sees and feels. I asked to see God face to face...
2-4-12
I remembered feeling worthless...usually I can approach the throne in prayer...but tonight I felt like I couldn't. I didn't feel deserving. I would tell Jesus that I didn't feel like I deserved to see the Father tonight.
Worship at Ablaze started up tonight. I closed my eyes, and Jesus stood before me...I held His hands and sang praises to him. He let me, little me, glorify him. He looked deep into me the whole time, and I remember being so in love with him right there...my heart sang louder than my voice did for Jesus. After praising him, we started a series of conversations...questions came to my mind that I asked throughout the message...responses came after.
What gifts are in me? What good am I? As your daughter, what do you instruct me to do?
--"Live today as you have been shown." (Acts 17:26B-27)
You have appointed me here, now...so I would seek you and reach out to you. Reach to you for guidance, but also in thanksgiving that you still use me and call me.
What is my name? What do you call me? What is my heart created for?
What gifts are mine from you?
--"Patience, music, encouragement, serving, mercy...compassion, creativity, giving, energy...passion (He led me to Matthew 25) Don't hide these things...as my daughter, use what I give you. Don't hide your spiritual body...don't bury what I have given you."
--"Kat, how are you using these gifts?"
In my nursing home, youth group, family, friends, mime...
--"Are they for my glory?"
...I try Lord.
--"What do you desire...truly?"
I want to desire you. (Psalm 37:4 was mentioned earlier in the evening) I want to delight in you so my desires come from you.
--"Kat, I want you to come to the Father...Let me show you Him..."
That moment, Jesus picked me up, turned me around so he was behind me, then he held me. His head resting by mine. My spirit got restless and I turned around to face him, but he assured me. He knelt down and began to wash my feet. As Jesus lifted his head to me, it was so bright I couldn't make out a face. His body radiated so bright that I could barely keep my eyes open. I then felt hands touch my face then hold my sides. "You are not fat, you are beautiful and worth it to me, my child."
God answered my prayer from the first entry...I saw God face to face...my Heavenly Daddy, and He held me dear to Himself.
We have our struggles, and our revelations about how wicked our hearts are. I had a realization of how I viewed myself...Proverbs 23:7 made me realize where my spiritual body was at...and it made me feel so wretched...but Jesus wanted to bring me to the Father anyway. You don't need a boyfriend to really feel and experience passionate, intimate love. I did two weekends in a row. If you want to know how the other weekend went I'd love to share that with you face to face. I won't hesitate to tell you anything you ask about my life.
May this bring you encouragement and rise up a passion to feel this intimacy with God, your Heavenly Father, who wants to take your breath away. This is why we were created...this is what God desired from the beginning, and this is why Jesus died, so God could have this with us again. Let Jesus show you the Father today.
I felt led to reveal personally what Jesus has been doing for me...I am writing straight from my journal entries the past few days, but I'm not writing everything...only some key points. I hope this is encouraging to you all, to find yourself in this place of intimacy with your loving Savior and Heavenly Father, who wants to rule in your hearts today.
1-31-12
Tonight in prayer meeting, I asked God to show us what He sees in us. I asked my Daddy to let me see a glimpse of what His heart sees and feels. I asked to see God face to face...
2-4-12
I remembered feeling worthless...usually I can approach the throne in prayer...but tonight I felt like I couldn't. I didn't feel deserving. I would tell Jesus that I didn't feel like I deserved to see the Father tonight.
Worship at Ablaze started up tonight. I closed my eyes, and Jesus stood before me...I held His hands and sang praises to him. He let me, little me, glorify him. He looked deep into me the whole time, and I remember being so in love with him right there...my heart sang louder than my voice did for Jesus. After praising him, we started a series of conversations...questions came to my mind that I asked throughout the message...responses came after.
What gifts are in me? What good am I? As your daughter, what do you instruct me to do?
--"Live today as you have been shown." (Acts 17:26B-27)
You have appointed me here, now...so I would seek you and reach out to you. Reach to you for guidance, but also in thanksgiving that you still use me and call me.
What is my name? What do you call me? What is my heart created for?
What gifts are mine from you?
--"Patience, music, encouragement, serving, mercy...compassion, creativity, giving, energy...passion (He led me to Matthew 25) Don't hide these things...as my daughter, use what I give you. Don't hide your spiritual body...don't bury what I have given you."
--"Kat, how are you using these gifts?"
In my nursing home, youth group, family, friends, mime...
--"Are they for my glory?"
...I try Lord.
--"What do you desire...truly?"
I want to desire you. (Psalm 37:4 was mentioned earlier in the evening) I want to delight in you so my desires come from you.
--"Kat, I want you to come to the Father...Let me show you Him..."
That moment, Jesus picked me up, turned me around so he was behind me, then he held me. His head resting by mine. My spirit got restless and I turned around to face him, but he assured me. He knelt down and began to wash my feet. As Jesus lifted his head to me, it was so bright I couldn't make out a face. His body radiated so bright that I could barely keep my eyes open. I then felt hands touch my face then hold my sides. "You are not fat, you are beautiful and worth it to me, my child."
God answered my prayer from the first entry...I saw God face to face...my Heavenly Daddy, and He held me dear to Himself.
We have our struggles, and our revelations about how wicked our hearts are. I had a realization of how I viewed myself...Proverbs 23:7 made me realize where my spiritual body was at...and it made me feel so wretched...but Jesus wanted to bring me to the Father anyway. You don't need a boyfriend to really feel and experience passionate, intimate love. I did two weekends in a row. If you want to know how the other weekend went I'd love to share that with you face to face. I won't hesitate to tell you anything you ask about my life.
May this bring you encouragement and rise up a passion to feel this intimacy with God, your Heavenly Father, who wants to take your breath away. This is why we were created...this is what God desired from the beginning, and this is why Jesus died, so God could have this with us again. Let Jesus show you the Father today.
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