I have a confession to make...I am a person that needs constant affirmation. Whether that's from God or people around me, I need to hear (in private mostly) that I'm doing well. I need to hear that I am being used. I need to see fruit. I need to be reminded over and over again that I am where I need to be. If I don't, I question if I'm actually being used and making a difference for the Kingdom. Because of this, I feel confused and distressed easily. I am spiritually weighed down often, and also easily overtaken with inner pride.
So why I am sharing this now? Because up to now, I've been a "feeler" believer. I am led with my heart. I am led with my passion. I desire to "feel" the Holy Spirit. I desire to see, hear, feel...sense the Spirit. Is this wrong? Is this a problem? Of course not! In fact God made me to be run like this. He made me to get excited in His works! I made me and delights in my excitement. Through the different things I "feel" around me, I am affirmed.
My being has been challenged however...a HUGE weakness of mine deals with my mental capacity on most things. I don't "know" much, and I admit that if you ask me "Have you seen (fill in blank)" or "Have you heard about (fill in blank)" I could probably tell you...No. And let me tell you...I HATE feeling inadequate. I HATE not seeing God's glory. I HATE not "feeling" good enough or smart enough. I really HATE not feeling the direct presence/peace of God right away.
Now, I can encourage through scripture and I can equip the Sword of the Spirit...but I can't teach, mainly because I don't trust I know enough to lead correctly. When I hear sermons, or read in Bible studies, my heart takes over before my mind. Before I 'think' about what I'm reading, my heart interprets...and I've seen the problem in this.
My heart had shown me an interpretation of two amazing Bible characters, Ruth and Boaz. However, after seeking out advice from my pastor, I noticed how my heart was actually leading me astray...or hindering the actual implication of the story. When I was encouraged to use my mind and let my heart rest, I saw how my interpretation actually didn't fit what the characters were really doing. What an eye-opener!
I also had a great conversation with a close friend about this book called "Think" by John Piper. He told me "I feel this is a book you would really wrestle with." (not direct quote...but general idea) I was challenged by that statement alone...basically hearing (and affirming) that my heart has taken over numerous times in my studies.
So, my prayers and direction in the next part of my growth will be to work on letting my heart rest more and allow my mind to really think about what God is saying during my readings. Don't get me wrong...I can't put a bind on my heart...in fact tonight affirmed to me that my heart is truly the wellspring of life, and you can't keep me silent when the Spirit moves.
So, through my confessions, I ask that you all seek growth both mentally and passionately. Desire to feel His Presence, but don't let your heart and feelings interpret Scripture beyond what God is actually trying to say. You don't live as a Christian without one or the other. Through knowledge, you will know God more. Through submission in your lives and asking, you can also feel God. It's real...it happens.
Ephesians 1:17-18 Paul prays for both wisdom and open hearts for those in Ephesus...we need both. Ask for both.
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