Today was just a trying day for me...my body wasn't cooperating (ladies, you can attest to this often), my throat and lungs were full of snot, I was exhausted...and I just felt like nothing was working like it did last week or before that. I had worship practice tonight, and I couldn't sing and praise like I really enjoyed because of this respiratory cold. I am pretty bummed...trying not to throw a pity-party...but sometimes it just happens before I realize what I'm doing (ps...I hate giving personal pity parties...I can do something better with my time and energy).
In a devotional, the following line stuck to me, "Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision." The devotional was about the lies of marriage, which was rather interesting to me. I read this and God spoke to me in another area of my life that required commitment. The lady referenced our favorite love chapter, I Cor. 13. She reflected on how love in marriage isn't based on feelings. Sometimes things get rough, and each spouse has a choice to make. There are 3 lies that creep into a marriage, and the lady in my devotional tried to counter them with 3 truths. The two sets are as follows:
Lies
• I married the wrong person.
• He should make me feel loved.
• There is someone else better out there.
Truths
• Having a good marriage is more about being the right partner than having the right partner.
• Love is a decision.
• The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water and fertilize it.
The main point is that we should not be basing our situation on feelings alone. Our feelings will deceive us. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
I can't understand my own feelings and their source...Yes, I know God still shows me visions, and I still hear whispers in my heart throughout the day. I still talk with Him and sit in quietness and allow His Spirit to fill me. Yes, I know that happens. But...
"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
Psalm 33:4
God's Words to me are spoken best in His Word...the Bible. I try to challenge everything that happens in my heart with the Bible. I try to think more critically about what's in the Bible and how it's being written. I try to know God by knowing how He spoke and acted back long ago. He still speaks like this today. His Word is relevant today.
Back to feelings, I am learning to take more chances based on what I know, not what I feel. Making a decision...and sticking to it despite my wicked and wayward heart. Then you find that fine line of being stubborn when God is trying to lead you somewhere else...again, challenge everything with His word and really dwell on God with everything...I still believe that God will tell us what to do through our desires...but again...fine line, and I can't tell you all when it's right to listen to your heart and when it's not. That's your personal growth and discovering with God. I am still working on this...slowly getting better.
So, tonight I made a choice. I chose to go hard-core into finding housing and maybe another job in Waverly. I searched all over, wrote down numbers, opened myself to any possibility I could find and went for it. My anxiety shot up really fast. Tears swelled as I thought about my unknown and unplanned future. My faith seemed so weak, but I ran to God to comfort me fast.
He caught me tonight...I like to play "Bible Roulette" as a friend likes to say. I calm myself, and let my fingers flip the Bible open without knowing where I'm opening to so my heart isn't leading to a passage that I know will confirm what I want to do. I read what's on those two pages, and let God surprise me.
"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago....You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat..."
Isaiah 25:1 & 4 (I seem to always open in Isaiah somewhere when I do this...and it ALWAYS speaks to me)
Can I say anything else? Those were God's Words to me...that I needed to tell Him. So, I will.
Dear Heavenly Father, you are my God. I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. God, I need to feel your security. I am poor, I am in distress. I need your shelter. I believe you are faithful in all that you do. I have read of your many marvelous deeds, and seen how your prophesies have fulfilled. I ask LORD that you show those again in this age. That you remind me of your faithfulness. That I will choose to be faithful, and not wait for my wicked heart to catch up when I need to act now. Most of all, I ask for your Peace. Your peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that I can remain calm in the chaos. That I will act accordingly to your will, and not my rash and impatient impulses. Fulfill your promises oh LORD...would you prove yourself again?
In your Holy and Powerful Name, Amen
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