Tonight at my prayer group, I felt this lurking question as the group was praying out loud:
"If I (Jesus) were to walk through the door right now, what would your immediate response be?"
It caused me to evaluate my heart, and gave me these two forms of love that I wrestled between. There is a love that is obedient. You love because He first loved us. You love God because of who God is. You love God because you know what He did for you and you owe God more than you can ever offer Him. It is a love that was formed by a covenant, saying "Til death will I serve you." It is obedient, loyal, and sometimes the love we default to when we don't "feel" like loving God...at least it is for me.
So many people say that God isn't a feeling...and I'm one of them. God is not an emotional feeling that comes and goes. He is always there. It doesn't matter how far you feel from Him, He never moved. So this first kind of love, to me, is saying "I don't feel you close, but I trust you are there, so I will continue to give you my life as best as I can."
But you can't stay here...at least I can't. If you only love out of obedience, it isn't wrong...but shouldn't delighting in God be...a delight???
How many Psalms are there that you can just see the tears dripping on those pages through the words written? Tears of both anguish and joy? What emotion it took to write many of those Psalms. Worship is/was like that for me. It was a joy, and a time when I really "felt" connected with God. My heart was fully set on giving Him my all. It was a delight, not an obligation.
Don't get me wrong, I still love to worship...but has my love during worship changed? Is my heart being robbed of the richness of worship in some way? And if so, how? I want to keep giving God my heart in worship, but it seems so dry. It feels like a drought...one that you keep looking and looking but you aren't fully satisfied. You don't give up, you keep seeking because you know the promises say "Seek and you shall find."
I think (no, I know) each Christian goes through these cycles. I'm sure we've all questioned this, and it's healthy (and very appropriate) to go through both of these types of love for God. You don't tell a new believer that he/she won't struggle. You don't tell a new believer it's going to be easy and the feeling should always be there. Some days, you really have to fight for God. Some days, you have to pray for the desire to even desire God. Why do we need to pray this?
Because I cannot love God all on my own. Love is a passionate emotion that God delights in seeing from us, but He also delights in seeing us choose Him even if we don't feel like it. It feels dry, but I believe God is waiting to fill me with Bread if I keep going where I can smell it. If I know veggies are good for me, I'm going to eat them even if I don't really enjoy doing it every time. This act of obedience and discipline takes practice, and it takes someone reminding and coaching us to keep doing it.
I didn't marry Harold thinking that the feelings would last forever, but at the same time I don't expect to fully lose those feelings either. I know some days are just going to be a bigger stretch than others. I also know that Harold will appreciate me being obedient to him and submissive to him, but he will REALLY like to see me delighting in being around him rather than just doing it because I committed to doing so.
I guess this brings me back to my question at the start:
"If I (Jesus) were to walk through the door right now, what would your immediate response be?"
I confess, right now I would probably either stay in my chair and smile at him, or stand out of respect. I would not leap for joy and fall at the feet of my Savior. I would acknowledge him for who he is, but I don't think my entire being would be so captivated and engrossed in his presence that I would throw myself down without hesitation.
My friends, I don't like to write personally very often, but I trust that those who read this blog of mine care enough to be able to read the struggles as well as the good lessons that God blesses me with. I ask that you pray for this drought to be over soon, and if any of you feel like you are going through a drought where you feel like you keep seeking but you just aren't finding the eternal Well, I ask that you cry out for prayer as well.
I assure you it's there, and it's worth it to keep seeking refreshment that only God provides. I know the goodness that's coming, and I don't want to give up just because I don't "feel" like I'm loving Him right. I know I'm loving as I should, but I also know that God would like to see me enjoy it more. He doesn't want me to miss out on the richness of knowing Him, nor does He want you to miss out of that either.
Seek the Living Water, and ask for support and prayer if you feel your droughts carry too long.
Remember, I love you all. Thanks for reading and caring enough to pray for me in advance.
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