Something my dad told me when I graduated from High School was along the lines of this: "I want you kids to succeed. In my mind, that's being able to take care of yourself and take all your bills upon yourself. It doesn't matter how you do that as much."
My parents are amazing. They stand by my side and my Mom especially is so willing to help me out because I had basically pushed her aid away for a long time. I had lived by that statement from my dad. I wanted to be able to take care of myself, without any help. I wanted a job that would do that. I wanted to have my own cell phone plan, my loans figured out, everything taken care of...and not feel so spent to give offering every paycheck.
For awhile, I really feel the peace that God has everything taken care of. I really feel that I was supposed to go to an expensive college like Wartburg with a deep desire in a major that was going to cost a fortune on top of that. Music Therapy is still dear to my heart, but why am I not doing that now?
Now my loans are going to start soon and I am still sitting on a paycheck that a person would normally get without even going to college...especially one like Wartburg. This morning, I felt scared. I was attacked so much spiritually, and Satan really took this weakness and kept feeding me these worries. "You won't be able to take care of yourself. You'll be in so much debt. You won't be a success to your dad if you keep asking for money. You wasted your time at college for a major that won't even be available to you." They kept coming and coming, and I wanted to give in.
For the first time in a long time, I told my mom I was scared. I told her how sorry I was that I couldn't take care of myself yet. Her response let the Spirit take control of myself again...here was our brief conversation:
"Sorry about this...pray really hard for God to open a good music therapy job over here because I want to be able to do all this without draining you and Dad."
"God has plans for you. We're not worried about it. We'll continue to pray for His guidance. It's ok."
"I know He does. the hard part is I can't see it and get worried when loan stuff in explored. I have no doubt He is using me..I just break down and get scared sometimes."
"God is bigger. Right now we can help you. That's what families do. 'In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.'" (Proverbs 3:6)
Isn't that so true? The Creator of the universe and Lord of all Lords is also the Prince of Peace...and He wants me to feel that peace through Him. He wants me to come to His as I am...broken, nervous, scared. I love my job...don't get me wrong...and if it would financially take care of everything I'd be fully satisfied. God has a plan for me, and He shows me every day I work. He is using me, and nothing is greater than God. God is bigger than the loan companies. He is bigger than the government. I am in better hands when I am in God's hands. It will work out. God has something so cool for my life...and it's going to be beyond finances. It's going to work out, even if I can't see it right now.
That's the hard part of faith...you can't see what you believe in fully...you just believe. Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what is physically seen. We can see God's works and presence as the Spirit reveals it. Without faith, our lives our dead. Our works are dead (James 2:17). Faith is essential in our lives.
Long story short, I am still searching my direction. Music therapy is a desire that has been coming back, and I really really want to use my skills toward this if I can. My pursued job now would be spiritual music therapy/counseling. Not sure how this would come about, but I would love to use music therapy in a Christian setting where I could sing hymns and plug music into lives that way. God's got something cool up His big white sleeve...I just can't see it yet. I do know this though:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)
-Make God my desire in everything I do. Be very content and open-minded with whatever circumstance. Usually, a desire arises after I have submit to being very flexible with any outcome.
"Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:9)
-What have I learned? My life is not my own, and God's got something amazing for me to do! What have I received? The Holy Spirit and many gifts because of that. What have I heard? Be patient. Let others help. Wait. Seen? Affirmation in my job setting. Yes...there is peace in analyzing this.
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endure forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." (Psalm 138:8)
-God loves me enough and will fulfill His plan for me, no matter what happens. If I continually seek this fulfillment, God will use His Spirit to help me make it happen. His love reminds me of this.
And, my mottos for mostly EVERYTHING in my life...
"Beloved, we are God's children now; what we shall be has not yet been revealed. We do know that when it is revealed we shall be like him, for we shall see Him as He is." (I John 3:2)
-I am God's daughter. He is working on something while I wait in the corner. He tells me little hints of what's going on. He laughs as He sees how excited I am getting, and He smiles when I annoyingly ask every day what His finishing project will look like. When my Heavenly Father is ready to show me, He will. I will not be ready until he thinks I am ready.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so you that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)
-Take the trials. It happens to make us more prepared for God. Things happen that we may think is all God's fault, and we may think He isn't there while these trials happen, but He wants us to grow. I feel closer to God when I have troubles, because I am reminded that I can't do it alone. When things go well, it's easier for me to get caught in myself. When I am mature and complete, I will be ready to see my Dad's finishing project.
Don't worry, God's got your back. He is already working on the next chapter while we're stuck in the current one. Keep reading into your life. Be excited to see what God's going to do next.
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