I hate watching people suffer and not being able to help them. I hate doing my best, and it's not good enough. I hate that feeling...I hate feeling like a failure.
At work recently, I have had 3 cases, 3 different people whom I have felt this way towards. For one lady, it was out of pure confusion and I just couldn't help redirect her back to reality. She was so set on her ways, and I wasn't able to help.
Another lady I've known a while, and have seen her to be this peppy, spunky, brilliant woman. Now, her disease has brought her to become this bed-bound, cynical, bitter, dirty mouth that won't accept anything from anyone. On occasion, this woman has called out everything I do for her as "bull shit" and sends me out of the room in a hurry. I want to help her, I want to bring her peace and a joyful spirit...but I can't, and I hate it!
One more individual I work with was just told of a chronic disease that no one can do anything about...and we just have to wait it out before his life is taken from it. This man is no doubt, one of my favorites. He is very independent and pleasant, but can have an attitude and temper like none other. He gives me a good laugh, and always has amazing stories to tell about where he's been.
Today, I sat with the latter two of these people. The lady's husband was here visiting, and I only prayed that he saw his wife in that cynical mess somewhere...he sat by her bed this afternoon, and their family told me that he is just at peace to see her and be with her. (God, please bless me with a man that will sit by my bed-side even when my mind has gone)
My other gentleman with the chronic disease came out to all my activities today, and after BINGO I sat briefly with him and asked how he was doing...he started to cry. I gave the man a hug...and almost started crying myself...because I couldn't help him. I couldn't do anything to save him...I had been in this mind-set all day, and it was getting to my interactions with my co-workers. This inability to help...this failure...was soaking into my attitude and lifestyle that others were seeing. Mel was concerned, and I swallowed pride and filled her in.
One song had been my prayer for a while..."Make Me a Blessing" Now, another song entered into my heart again that I needed to meditate on: "Count Your Blessings"
Obviously, this is something I struggle with..not being good enough and failure. God shook me and made me realize the little blessings in each day that I wasn't seeing because I was so absorbed on the failures.
When I told Mel about my struggle, another co-worker who worked on floor-care overheard me. She said "Well, I know one person's life you've really touched today..." She proceeded to tell me how that one gentleman (with chronic disease) was so uplifted to be out in the activities earlier that day, and how he was telling all the other staff about it. "I've never seen him get so excited and passionate about something like he did about the things you did with him today."
Thank you God. He is making me a blessing to someone, but instead of being burdened with a load of care, I should cast all cares unto God, because I know He cares for me and everyone I work with.
I know I want to succeed, and I want to be all the best I can be, but I take heart in knowing that I don't have to be perfect...I don't have to try and pretend to be the best ever...to God, I'm good enough, and He will use me to do what He wants me to do...and I need to remind myself that it's not everything.
I tend to overload myself, but I truly want to be a blessing to someone today. I want to pray for others to be blessed, and then ask God how I can do it. I have been given so many gifts and opportunities...how can I use them to help others?
I am single, young, healthy, and free. So many people don't have all of this...they don't have the time that I do because I'm single (I need to keep telling myself that this is a good thing for now). They don't have their health or their youth anymore...they are trapped and limited. How can I help them? I seek this out often...especially with people who aren't able to move around like they used to. It never seems like much, but I really encourage you all to seek out an elderly individual who may just need the door held open, or needs an extra arm to carry a few things to their car. It's such a blessing to them...be made a blessing today.
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