How it happens doesn't make it any more or less awesome. We need to remember that our souls have been saved from eternal damnation. We have been spared from the eternal wrath of God. It doesn't matter how it happened here, because what matters is IT HAPPENED!
But after the fact, it is so cool to see how God has changed you because of His Son. It is really neat to step back and see how far you've come. Don't get caught in the past however, remember to keep striving forward. But...sometimes it's really neat to see how God has done a work in you so far. You really see the kind of person that God has saved you from, and it makes Him more glorified in your life!
A could Sundays ago, I prayed to be more vulnerable and to open up more to people and ask for more help...
During the sermon this Sunday, God filled me with terrible behaviors and instances of my past, and told me "I opened your eyes numerous times...remember?" And I started to play the "What if..." game. Thankfully, I don't have to think "What if" because I now know what my future will be thanks to my awesome Savior.
I prayed about it, acknowledging this isn't part of me anymore, and I was called to share with you all a few things that has happened in my life that I am so glad God saved me from, because I don't know how I would have turned out if those little things didn't occur as they did and if God didn't open my eyes to change. To God be the glory. Sorry it's long...but I hope it's worth it.
I was saved at a young age, 4 or 5 years old as I prayed a
prayer at my bedside with my Mom. Around
that young age, a “friend” would hang out with me and show me some ways to
pleasure myself and him. In my
innocence, I didn’t think anything of it.
This kid would lay on top of me, French kiss me, and show me how I could
do other things alone to myself. He
would get more physical the more he knew I would allow him to show me, and
finally my dad was catching on to this kid.
He found us and chased this kid off our yard thinking he stopped the
problem. Had my dad not cared, I wonder
what would be different in me today…
Those images and feelings haunted me. I wanted the pleasure, and being young I
tried to do that to myself. My mom
caught me and scolded me, so I just got sneaky.
But as I grew up, I knew this wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t want to be wanting this, but
those images kept haunting me. Images of
this guy on top of me consumed me…
I struggled with being alone so young. Before high school, I was obsessively into
one of my youth leaders…to the point that I would stalk the poor guy. He knew I was doing this, and he tolerated
it, but he never really told me to stop it.
I lived pretty close to him, and I would sit on the corner a few houses
away from his house, waiting for him to come home or come outside so I could
stare at his very lean and fit body.
This man was 10 years older than me…and I was only about 13.
When I got to high school, my youth group went to a nation-wide
event called Challenge. It was held
every 4 years in Salt Lake City Utah, and I was able to go with my group. Here, another crush of mine (only a few years
older than me this time) was with us. I
am not sure where we were, but it was dark outside and him and I were out
talking. I was still haunted by those
images as a kid, and for some reason it was consuming that night. I fell to my knees *dramatically* but my
friend took the opportunity to lay his hand on me and pray for me to be
released…and I was. I was not haunted by
those images, nor have I had any occurring images run through my head since
then…but the pleasure seeking spirit was still there to be struggled with.
Numerous other times I would have crushes, some with close
friends. I would get impatient and
initiate discussions of relationships, hoping they would return feelings for
me, and none of them did. I was
devastated, wondering what was wrong with me and telling God that he didn’t
make me pretty enough. Nobody wanted
me. Nobody wanted to love me. I had a hard time loving myself.
But then, after my freshman year in college, someone did
love me. A younger boy, only a Sophomore
in high school. I worked with him over
the summer and developed a good friendship with him, and stronger feelings
followed from both ends. The last day
before I would head back to Wartburg that year, we went for a walk…and again…I
started the conversation of my feelings…but this time he echoed my words
back. I cried with him as he held me
that night…a feeling I had been longing for so long.
That relationship lasted 3 years…talk of marriage arose
between us. My life was planned to live
near him when I graduated and wait for him to finish school. That would have brought me to Sioux City Iowa
after I was done at Wartburg and my internship.
My parents knew something was wrong, but I refused to give in. I began to think that he and I were against
my parents. Distance rose between me and
my family emotionally. I would feel out
of place. Family holidays happened, and
I felt I didn’t belong. They didn’t like
him, and it made me mad. I tried to get
him to go to church with me, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to dig deep into God, and I
eventually became okay with this. I
tried to change him…I really never gave him reason to think he was good enough…
Then I compromised more physically…he and I wanted to be
alone…and the more we got alone, the deeper into each other we got. At this point, I suppose I only knew how to
physically please, so that’s what I wanted to do, compromising more and more my
original stand for my purity. Finally,
after dated over 2 years, I had broken the one promise to my future husband
that I couldn’t take back. I lost my
virginity. At the time I didn’t think it
a huge deal, because I was set on this guy being my husband anyway. As I said, my life was based around him. He gave me a promise ring and everything, so
I thought I was okay.
Then God changed this guy’s heart to another girl. We broke up, and I was shattered. Not only was my life completely lost now, but
I no longer had that precious jewel in me.
Reality hit me hard the couple days after he broke up. I am no longer a virgin…(this is not easy to
say, please understand that).
Now my ponder moment, what if God didn’t send my dad to stop
my younger friend? What if God didn’t
answer my friend’s prayer to release me of those memories? What if God didn’t break me of my
relationship? Would I be pregnant now? What would I be doing? How many would I have been with? Friends, I see God has saved me, but I also
see a lesson…I see that the majority of the guys I fell for were Christians,
but not Jesus Lovers. I didn’t date
because God knew I wasn’t ready. For so
long I had begged God to give me someone…and I was willing to really take
anyone that would return my love. He
gave me someone to show me something valuable, even though it hurt me. He showed me the value of my family by having
that suffer. He showed me the value of
my purity by having me lose my virginity.
He showed me the kind of guy I really needed by giving me what I was
asking for. God has really opened my
eyes through these circumstances, but something deeper happened after the
break-up and even up to today. God
showed me that HE is the one that can fill me.
He was the one I was seeking all this time. However, I payed a huge price because in
losing my virginity, my heart aches even today.
I was looking through some of my journals in finding what I wanted to
share on this post, and I came across this section:
December 4, 2011 – Breaking Free Mission Trip Reflection
….We loved on people…We loved these women that for their
whole lives hadn’t known what real love was.
Then it hit me. My past came
back. My imperfect soul and body. The fact I was not a virgin killed me. But God grabbed my heart with a verse (referred
to a sermon shared that Sunday). To me,
my sexual sin made me tainted and unworthy of a godly man who was waiting. I felt that a godly man was being dangled in
front of me to taunt me. “He is so rare
and in love with God…this man…I could entrust my everything to him…but he
deserves more. He is looking for
something I don’t have anymore. He is
wanting someone who waited. I blew it with him…” These are my lies. I am not bound by this person anymore. Yes, I made a mistake, and no longer have the
treasure called “virginity,” but I am made pure again through Christ. I am “forgetting was is behind and straining
for what is ahead.”
I see now that in order for me to see the real beauty of
Jesus, God needed to break me by “giving in” to my desires only to take it away
and show me that He is still there when everything else crumbles before
me. He planted a pain in my heart that
aches for other girls that are struggling like I did and still do at
times. I had to pay a huge price before
I would be able to see past my pity party of being forever alone. And I take that today by asking God to soften
my heart to hear Him more and by getting more of myself out of the way. Today I dig on the promises of His unfailing
love and pursuit for me. I see how Rahab
was blessed and forgiven, but I also see how those that resist temptation more
than I could receive a higher reward, hence why a virgin was appointed to carry
the Son of God. The prostitute and
tainted woman is used to show our relationship with the Father, and the cool
thing is that we will be completely clean of our past and presented as a
beautiful bride before our Lord. What a
promise that is for me! I hope that the man I marry will still see a
precious jewel before him on his wedding day, and that God would renew that in
me for his sake. I also pray that this
man and everyone reading this will see the power and love of God working
through me, and that this will open your eyes more in making connections of God’s
hand in your lives.
Genesis 2, when Adam was made and alone, God said “It is not
good for man to be alone. I will make a
suitable helper for him.”
That is me…I am my husband’s suitable helper, designed for
him…and somehow this past of mine, this impurity of mine, this change was used
to really grip me and make me just that.
I know he will see that when God opens his eyes, I just have to trust
beyond my own being. The biggest change
I see is based on the lie Satan planted in me saying “This is how you please a
man,” which led to my fall. Not anymore…God
is showing me how I can really please the godly men around me, and even my
husband beyond the physical. The rest
comes later, in the marriage bed. Then I
can unleash everything.
This time, I will wait.
Thank God for second chances.
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