My apologies...this is going to be longish, but I hope worth the read.
I had asked for brokenness. There were parts of me that I knew weren't complete, and there were parts of me that I knew I wasn't giving up to God fully. I prayed with three main things in my heart that God would either a) reveal and answer b) make it happen c) change my heart and lift it off my chest
God did all three of those things...in a way I wasn't expecting. During my retreat, the main message revolved around relationships. In three sessions, we talked about our relationship with ourselves and God, first through loving our personality, our body, and God. We girls are always being told to not listen to the stereotypes of the world and love ourselves for who God made us. We've heard it all before, and I've heard it since I was younger (Junior High)...but this change of heart doesn't happen over night. We can desire to fully want this, but in God's time will He really reveal this. I love the fact that I am outgoing and spontaneous...but also reserved and adaptable. I naturally look out for others before myself...to the point I neglect myself.
We need to find an even balance of this, because it's important to keep ourselves strong and taken care of before we can offer anything to anybody else. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect we feel we treat others. "Treat others as you ought to be treated." "Love your neighbor AS yourself."
I'll give you a visual...you are out with a friend, and your friend forgets his keys in the car. He says out loud "Man, I can't believe I did that!" What's your natural response? "Oh dude it's fine. We'll just go back and get them. It's not too much trouble." What if you were by yourself and you left your keys in the car? Is your response the same to yourself as it is to your friend? How do we treat ourselves...and is this a healthy relationship?
Finally....loving God. One thing I really took from this section was that in those times where God feels distant, it's not always because He is, but because we put things in His way. We build up boulders. We clutter our lives with things because we are worried and need to take care of it ourselves. Really...live and let God...it's the easier way to do it, and He has taught me this GREATLY this weekend. God is driving...and I am going for the ride having fun. I am taking advice and listening for His call to act on this deeper faith, because faith without actions is dead. I can't just sit...I need to act when I am supposed to and trust it's the right thing to do.
I had realized some huge things this weekend that revolved around two words...faith and patience. Faith that God is greater than what this world says I need to trust in, and patience for His answers to happen in His time with His resources.
Let me just share a few other things that have really set in my heart what God is showing me...
My woman to study this week is Deborah...a woman judge who led and summoned a man to conquer and set Israel free yet again. Her faith overshadowed the doubt of every other man that couldn't stand up to the opposition, and in the end, her and Barak worshiped and sang together over the victory they achieved. Through faith, something amazing is going to happen in my life. In the end of it, I will be jumping around and worshiping when my answers finally play out. I want to be singing, especially with a man that I will fight along side of...someone that sings the same song I sing.
One thing I do to get affirmation is to call my Mom. Last night, my mom and I talked for 2.5 hours...and I got nothing but affirmation with what I was being shown this weekend. My mom gets these senses, and if hers and mine match up I am usually confident that God is there too. Too many times our senses don't match...so when it does it's a big thing...a God thing.
At young adult Bible study, we went through Acts 3. This reflected around a lame man begging for money. Peter along with some others were walking to the temple and met this man. He asked for money, and Peter's response kicks me every time. "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I will give to you." Money isn't what I need right now...another job isn't what I need right now...free evenings is what I need. Time for me to do what makes me happy is what I need...not more money to buy more stuff. I trusted money to get me through...God is telling me that money isn't what He has for me. It's something greater than that. What could I possible have to worry about? God knows exactly what I need...and I doubt that? Why do I argue with Him? God knows when I sit and when I rise...He formed me in my mother's womb...I am perfectly and wonderfully made, in His image. God knows me and my life backwards and forwards...and I deny Him the privilege of blessing me with what I actually need? Not anymore God...you got me this weekend hard.
Dear Father, you answered prayers, and you broke me. Help me to trust you, and act on my faith in you. Help others to do the same. Breaking hurts, but it's needed. I pray this breaking happens for my close friends, and even for my future husband. I am single, and so is he because we are not broken and equipped enough. Break both of us and equip us to be ready like Deborah and Barak. Let us act on faith and strengthen each other to conquer when others fall away. Let us sing together and praise you for your amazing accomplishments and blessings on our lives. Let us both love ourselves enough to be able to love and take care of each other...and may our personalities and gifts enforce each other so a great purpose can come about...and may we both be so engrossed in you that we don't miss the signal of approval, that we are ready to start our journey together.
God I pray I continue to break. I pray my faith grow stronger in you, and that I will continue to see you working like Peter in Acts 3. Let me accept it when you don't give me what I ask for, and be thankful and excited to see what is actually better for me. Help me act on my faith and stand firm in what you are telling me. I would rather turn from my Gideon ways of second guessing your messages, and go right to Deborah who stood firm the whole way through. I know your promises thus far for my life, and even though some are still in the waiting process, I know it will happen. I trust it will. Let my career be mapped before me in your time. Let my future husband feel what I feel, and may he be as certain as I am of this.
Use me Jesus, I trust you much more that I did before. Let me love unconditionally by first truly loving myself and giving you the credit for making me absolutely gorgeous...you got it right. I don't want to doubt that anymore. I appreciate your creation in nature, and you made me just as beautiful as the sunset and starry nights. Thanks Dad. Thanks for everything. Keep it coming. I am not afraid. It's going to be a great ride.
Your daughter, servant, and ever-seeking friend,
Kat
No comments:
Post a Comment