Heart Vomit

First off, this blog post is going to be spontaneous, and probably very long.  It is me unloading my heart because there are so many things inside me that I need to let go of.  Some, I want you all to hear.  Others, I don't mind you reading about.  Mainly, my thoughts all reflect on how God is using me and people I love.  My heart just wants to burst. 

Tomorrow's Funeral and Remembrance: 

May God's presence radiate in the lives of those that will be standing in honor of Don...may a peace fill that place as our hero's body returns to his home.  May the family and loved ones of Don be comforted by God's presence.  May we help to provide that presence, and may we be willing to let God's Spirit move through us. 

I had heard about this group of people called Westboro Baptist Church, and I was in disbelief.  I had looked up pictures of this certain group of people, and my heart was so troubled at the thoughts of seeing younger kids holding signs reading "God hates Fags."  This is how these kids are being raised!  This is what God is to them...this is their foundation they are going to hold on to with their faith.  I was crushed.  I was hardened...I was furious!  How would these people miss the purpose of God's coming to earth?  How could they call themselves Christians?  How can they fall in love and serve a God that, they don't believe, loves all of us? 

I had a discussion with my co-workers on this, and I must say I became rather absorbed on the topic.  I started to spew word vomit, and soon wasn't able to hold back what was coming out of my mouth.  Later that day, one lady that works with me stopped me and hugged me, saying that she was so thankful I had said what I did.  Another guy who works with us was in the room, and she told me that he believes that homosexuals are perverts, and would stand up with Westboro's views.  Don't get me wrong, I don't believe homosexuality is acceptable...but neither is lying or stealing or murdering.  I have no right to judge...so I don't.  My man friend here would judge....but he didn't while I was talking.  This lady was thankful for my words, and said that if that wasn't me being passionate, she wants to see me unleash my "fury."  God used me today with my co-workers. 

In all honesty, I don't want to go to this funeral to protest the protest.  That was part of my intention...but I want to because this death hits harder to home for me than I realized.  I did not know Don, nor any of his family (to my knowledge anyway)...but knowing the age of this man and relating this to my brother...I felt obligated to show my support.  If this was my brother, coming home for our country, I would want the support.  I would want to know that people really did appreciate his sacrifice...and I would be touched.  Do unto others as you would have done unto you...Thank God for men like Don and Dan who are willing to give themselves to the brutality of training for this position...and sacrifice their lives after that. 

I get letters from Dan, and he keeps saying "I have conquered."  I am so excited to read those words!  I remember growing up with Dan...watching him play his sports and try so hard...only to have the boys with "the right name" get to start on varsity.  My brother watched most of the games, and was hesitant to really show his true potential.  Now, he can...and he has conquered!  I am so thankful for my brother!  He has taught me so much about fighting and being a marine for Christ...I am so excited when he comes home from training early this next month!

Mime performances:

We had finished our last mime performance tonight, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be part of a spiritual movement like this.  I had battled physical aches...but God put those aside pretty easy.  The kicker was my emotional battles.  My true weakness...and it still kicks me.  I am thankful God can help me to remove myself of that to help others with their attacks, and I have realized more about myself as a woman for Christ through all the attacks and parts I played: 

A mother and her child...suffering from grief and the choice of divorce
A lepore, yearning to be healed and touched
An adultress, in anguish of her past sins and judgement
A disciple of Christ, crying at the foot of the cross with His blood dripping
...Dripping for me.  I am touched and healed...because of His blood dripping for me. 
My past sins have been spared judgement...because of His blood dripping for me. 
My grief of emotional and spiritual separation has been spared...because of His blood dripping for me. 
My tears have been wiped from my face, because of His blood dripping for me. 

That's how much Jesus loves me.  To Him, I am irresistible!  I am the adultress woman, I am the woman with leprosy.  I am yearning to be touched and forgiven, and Jesus did that for me.  Jesus came from His paradise in Heaven...His comfort zone with His Father...and He dwelt among us...

Good Friday: 

Jesus suffered for me.  He put Himself under us, served us...the Son of the Creator Himself came down here to serve us!!  That blows my mind.  He served us because we messed up.  We goofed His perfect plan...and we separated ourselves from God.  So...God gave up His Son, Jesus, to humble Himself as a baby and grow up among us.  Among the wicked...the ones that messed it all up. 

Jesus remained in contact with God, and stayed faithful to His Father's wishes despite all the times He may have wanted to call it quits.  He could have just told everyone to screw off as they were testing Him.  He could have let Satan win during the temptations.  He could have easily told His Father "These people aren't worth this.  Even my disciples don't understand me!"  ...but He didn't.  He stayed true.  He fought for us.  He went to the cross for us.  Jesus was physically tortured as He was whipped and beaten.  Jesus was emotionally beaten as He watched Peter deny Him...the same Peter that wanted to walk on the water with Jesus.  The same Peter that said He would die for Jesus.  He watched His mother cry in pain at the sight of her beloved son.  Jesus felt His heavenly Father turn away...and was forsaken.  Jesus trembled at the taunts of the crowd while He was on the cross "If you were really the Son of God, come and show us!  Save yourself!" 

Then, when we didn't think Jesus was going to hurt worse...He took ALL our sin upon Himself.  Jesus...for the first time...felt sin in His life...and it was EVERYONE'S. 

And Jesus knew this was coming...but He didn't back down.  He didn't give in.  He fought for us...and with His last breath, finished it.  It tells me, I am worth it.  I am so worth it...if Jesus could do this for me, I am so worth it.  I am not worthy, but Jesus makes me feel beautiful.  How many men would do what Jesus did?  Probably none.  How many men would make me feel like a princess that needed to be saved?  None like Jesus.

Through Jesus, I am a beautiful woman, created with a purpose and a hope that can never be taken away from me.  I am a mother at heart, and compassionate to those that need me.  I am a woman willing to serve.  I am a woman willing to love and give of myself.  I am vulnerable.  I am me because Jesus loves me, and because Good Friday occurred.  No man would fight for me like that.  Some will, and hopefully one will try his hardest to get me someday...but none will add up to how Jesus won me over.  My heart is His.

I will finish my heart vomit with some songs.  One is a song that I would love to have blaring as we stand in honor of Don...and will probably share with my brother as he comes home.  The second is my heart speaking praises for being so beautiful through Jesus.

"Welcome Home (You)"

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face.

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son I know there'll be times
You will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my father said

Said I've been waiting for that day
Just to feel your warm embrace
Your love has shown
I will never be alone
You will welcome me home

I'll forever be
You will say to me
Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"



I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

Chorus:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.